I'll have a C section, thanks.

Okay, is it just me, or does John Kerry look like a freak? Did you see him at last night's State of the Union address? Like he wasn't scary looking enough before with that bizarrely long head. It's like he looked in a fun house mirror too long and his head just stuck like that. His long horse head is the reason that millions of laboring mothers nation-wide scream "Do a C section!" when they see the forceps coming.

In any case-he now sports an orange fake tan. What the hell is that? Is he a stripper on the side? This stupid orange-tan was made even more freakish because Kerry was seated next to the whitest guy in the room.

And how about the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi? Did you watch her during the State of the Union? She must have blinked a zillion times. She blinked so much and so rapidly it would have been easier for her to just keep her damn eyes shut. Why does she blink so much? What is wrong with her? Conversely, the Director of Homeland Security never blinked. He looked like maybe he'd died and been restored by a taxidermist. Or--did you ever see the movie Pet Semetary? In this brilliant movie (the brain child of Steven King) if your pet died and you buried it in this sacred ground (you know it's special because it's spelled wrong on the sign. Semetary--kind of like the meaningfulness of the Pursuit of Happyness. Misspelling = meaningful.) then the pet would come back to life. Sounds great, until you realize your pet comes back weird and demonic. Despite this, of course folks started burying people there. Without giving away the genius plot, let me just say that the Director of Homeland Security looks like he spent some time underground in the Pet Semetary.

That leads me to Hillary Clinton. She appeared to be doing her best Jacqueline Kennedy impersonation-right down to the oversize pearls. Well, I've never met Jacqueline Kennedy but I have seen her clothes at the Field Museum when her outfits went on tour. Let me tell you...even the most hideously out-dated, pillbox hat and pearl accessorized suits are classier than Hillary Clinton just by the benefit of once having been on Jacqueline's body. Even if she puked while wearing it. Even if there's a puke stain on the front.

Charlie Gibson ( I can call him Charlie instead of Charles if I want to. I just feel like he'd want me to. Call it a weird sense of entitlement on my part. I once dated a guy in college who labeled his cassette tape of "The Stranger" as being recorded by Bill Joel. "Bill?" I asked him when I found the tape in his glove compartment. "Yeah, so?" he said. Did I mention he was a junior with some made-up major like "Art Therapy" or something and he drove a SAAB with heated seats? I'll wait for his rebuttal to this because he'll be reading this. He'll tell me that he did have a real major and that the car was his parents. Well-duh! However, my parents drove a Cadillac and they never let me drive it back to Iowa.)

So, back to Charlie. He pointed out how there is this new trend for the members of Congress to get the President's autograph as he leaves the chambers. He then surmised that, like everyone else, the Congresspeople are not above collecting autographs. My theory on this "new trend"? I think it started right about the time ebay did.

How about Jim Webb-the guy who gave the Democratic response? When he started his speech he was so stoic and serious. He ended that was too...however, in the middle (when he was talking about President Roosevelt) he started to lose it. I thought he was going to start laughing uncontrollably. Because we could only see his upper body, I began to imagine that perhaps Monica Lewinsky had snuck in the room holding a cigar and was unbuttoning his pants.

I could be wrong on that.

Here's the coolest part of The State of the Union Address. I got to follow it up with "The Office"!! Now--there's a combo. Talk about Must See TV!