Don't forget the shower cap!!

So, I scooped CNN with the Nancy-Pelosi-blinks-too-much thing. Apparently they have a video clip on their website and they clocked her at 85 blinks per minute. I'm telling you, there's something wrong with her. Now, every time I see her on TV I will just be watching her eyes.

Maybe it's just some kind of weird nervous habit, or maybe she was blinking back tears because she was so moved by what Bush had to say. (That's a joke, by the way.)

If it's a nervous habit, it sure is a weird one. When I am nervous I pick at my cuticles. Maybe I should try blinking...I'm less likely to bleed then.

In any case, I can't believe that CNN didn't cover Kerry's fake tan too. It was as distracting as the blinking. Actually, the tan itself isn't as funny as imagining how he got it. I can't imagine John Kerry laying in a tanning bed. But, even funnier than that, try to imagine him getting one of those spray tans! For those of you who haven't had a spray tan, let me fill you in. First you go into this room where the big spray tan booth is. In that room (after you shut the door, hopefully) you take off all your clothes. Then you put lotion on your cuticles and feet so that the self tanning spray doesn't make them really orange. After that you put on a paper shower cap thing to protect your highlighted hair. (I say that because, let's face it, if you are going to pay upwards of $15 for a fake tan then you probably have highlighted hair too. It's equally frivolous. Keep in mind that I have highlighted hair, so don't get all pissy with me about that remark.) Anyway, when you are done with all that and you are ready to get in the booth, you open the door and put your feet on the marks on the floor so you are in the proper place for the spray to hit you. You make sure your legs are about shoulder width apart, put your arms out slightly and push the button for the spray to begin. About 4 feet away on the wall is a line of spigots which emit the self tanning spray. Now, let me tell you, this is not like a lovely spring shower. It's like a car wash. It is loud and it is cold; the line of spigots go up and down to hit your whole body and the aftermath is a big visible fog of smelly self tanner. Then you have to turn around and position yourself to get your back sprayed. I was so completely not ready for this experience the first time I went into one of these booths. My friend who used to own a tanning salon (the same one who got my Valium for the flight to D.C....see earlier blog) had invested in two of these spray booths and wanted me to try one out as an experiment because she wanted to see what it would do to "the whitest person I know." Well, I can only tell you what it did to the front half of me, because when the spray started so loud and cold and just weird, I immediately freaked out and had an asthma attack and left the booth to get my inhaler. Therefore, only my front got tan.

This is not as bad as what happened to a friend of mine. I took her to the tanning salon to try the spray booth and she got naked, got in and pressed the cleaning button at which point the cleaning solution started spraying out of the hidden ceiling spigots. She didn't get tan, but she sure smelled good.

In any case, once you are done being sprayed, you get out of the booth and towel off the excess self tanner, get dressed and go on your merry way. A few hours later---voila! You look like George Hamilton. Now, the only way this effect can be ruined is if you go outside the tanning salon and it is pouring down rain. Then you are going to end up looking like you have vertiglio or something.

Can you imagine John Kerry doing that? Do you suppose he lifted up his "little John" half-way through the front spray so he would get an even tan? And, what exactly would be his motive for getting a fake tan anyway...is he trying to impress catsup-girl? (I'm talking about his wife, but I can't think of her name. I do know that her last name is Heinz though.) First he gets Botox, and I think he had a face lift or something too. Why did he have that done? He had to KNOW he was going to get skewered in the press. I mean, he's in politics, not show-business (at least not officially) so why get plastic surgery and tanned? It's just strange. And to think, he could have been our President. I have a hard enough time with the one we've got!

Yikes!!