Well, I went to my Bible study yesterday. As you know, I am the secretary for our discussion group so I was all ready with my Sharpie...I mean, sharpened pencil so I could make the appropriate checks in the boxes (but not outside the lines!). The nice thing about being the secretary is that I have a really good excuse to look at everyone. I pretend to be looking at every person's name tag (yes, we have to wear name tags. I can't believe I never mentioned it before. They are the size of one of those big over-sized index cards and they hang around our necks with a thin satin ribbon. On the front is our first and last names and on the back we have the name of our discussion group leader and we had to write out our emergency contact information. And it's laminated. I assume that is in case I get so carried away with religious fervor that I go into convulsions and they can't do a "Benny Hinn" and heal me on the spot. This group is so backward I bet they have an emergency cache of leeches somewhere just in case someone needs to be bled. In any case, I feel like a moron wearing this huge name tag around my neck, but if I don't wear it then they give me a big stick-on one. I know this because I am constantly leaving mine in my car...and the woman who stands at the desk checking for name tags always catches me and makes me wear the stick on one. She always gives me a dirty look too. She probably thinks I use my special laminated name tag to cut my cocaine and I've just left it at home on my mirror.)
Anyway, so I am looking at every one's name tags, but I also secretly look at what they are wearing. Just to amuse myself I check a different item of clothing or accessory every week. One week I counted that 8 out of the 12 of us wear glasses. Another week I noticed that I was the only one wearing gym shoes. (Yesterday someone else was wearing gym shoes too...the first time anyone but me was wearing them! However, since she wore them with black socks I don't think they were functional gym shoes.) So, yesterday I was looking at people's necklaces. Guess what? Everyone but me had on a variation of the same necklace. A Star of David.
Ha! Ha! Just kidding.
Actually, everyone had on a cross. Except me. It's not that I don't own a cross necklace. Actually, Tony gave me a beautiful diamond cross once for absolutely no reason. I think it was after one of those discussions we had about how frustrating it is for me, a Christian, to be married to him, an atheist. I think he got it for me so I wouldn't run off with a preacher or something. No, really. I mentioned to him once how in the church I attended in high school our (married) youth pastor impregnated a 20 year old in our congregation and left his wife to marry this girl. The funny thing is, he was moved to another church in the Chicago area and a couple of years later he left the girl he impregnated from my church for a newly impregnated girl in his new church! I tell you, that man was full of Christian love! Preachers run off with people all the time! Isn't that what happened in The Thorn Birds?
So, everyone is wearing a cross, but not me because the clasp on my necklace is broken. I haven't worn a necklace in weeks. However, yesterday I was wearing one. Here's the funny part...Bronte has gymnastics on Wednesday afternoons and you aren't supposed to wear jewelry to class. Well, Bronte is always perfectly accessorized and on Wednesday she had on a necklace, which they made her take off. I just put it around my neck because I was afraid it would get broken in my purse. Needless to say, I had forgotten to take the thing off and was proudly wearing it in Bible study. I had on a white crew neck long sleeve t-shirt and Bronte's necklace was quite visible on it. The necklace spells out in half inch high letters encrusted with really sparkly black stones: ROCKSTAR.
Isn't that great? It reminds me of the time I went to a school district sponsored meeting for Gifted teachers and parents of kids in the Gifted program. The purpose of the meeting was to discuss the gifted program as it exists and see how it is working for the students and teachers and see what the pros and cons are. Well, people were talking about how their children didn't like being called "gifted" and couldn't we do away with that label, blah, blah, blah...like being smart is something to be ashamed of! I was pissed off because I thought we were there to talk about actual issues, not stupid minutia like what to call the program and labeling kids "gifted" etc. So I raised my hand to express this. Well, in the middle of my little speech in which I was basically saying that if the meeting was going to be about the pros and cons of calling our bright children "gifted" then this was a waste of my time because I wanted to make the program better before my next smart kid qualified for gifted, I realized how warm the room was. So, everyone was already looking at me as I unzipped my sweat jacket and took it off so I was just wearing my t-shirt. After I got done with my little speech about how stupid the discussion had been so far I dropped my pencil and had to bend down to get it. As I did so, I realized what t-shirt I was wearing. I had on a shirt that my friend Laura got me for my birthday one year as a joke. It says in big blue letters, "My kid is a genius".
So, in the spirit of wearing inappropriate clothing, I think I will wear a "Jews for Jesus" t-shirt to Bible study next week. Anyone know where I can get one?
5 comments:
First, I have no idea who is in the picture. Second, I have no idea why you go to bible study with these wacked women. Last, I think next time you go, you should make your own nametag labeled "Jesus" and see if anyone notices.
Wear a Jesus name tag? All I have to say to that is:
"Eight-year-olds Dude."
Benny Hinn, and quite a snappy dresser he is.
I have reconsidered my position on these people that you attend bible study with, we are going to need all the myopic, overfocused, backwards assed, fearmongering people we can get. We will need these people on the front lines when the enivitble war against Islam occurs (we are in the begining stages now, hence Dick Cheneys thinly veiled threat against Iran this week)The Judeo Christians will need these folks to lead the new crusade, so I say-God Bless Em!!
What time is Bible study and where do I sign up?
so let me see if i follow this blog: you left your bible study name tag in the coke at home so you had to wear the retarded nametag stuck to your crew-neck sporty tee just under your ROCKSTAR necklace and you are threatening Tony that you will run off with the pastor because of his reproductive abilities and something about a necklace that doesn't read ROCKSTAR... And you are so paranoid about the coke dust being visible on the missing tag that you think that the church lady at the door would know that it is coke. (I think she might actually think it was flour - were you baking you dear thing?)
pause so i can stop laughing
ok. better now. about the pic - let's see - all white people - prolific display of ferns - heil hitler salutes - slick clintonesque dude who people think knows what the fuck he is talking about - it must be a middle american mega church! Can I super size that? the grey hair makes that guy look SMART but not GIFTED because that is apparently an insult in our anti intellectual culture.
You can get a jesus action figure to glue on the front of your hood here: jesus action figure
You can get your "what would Jesus bomb" t-shirts here (Tony needs one of these): What would Jesus bomb?
and last but not least: get your "Jews for Jesus" t-shirt here! Jews for Jesus
i love your blog.
I would tell you to "cut and run" from this church but you would lose some of your best material for the blog.
I do think you should propose that the study club sponser a musical for the church titled, "Springtime for Satan". The "bring down the house" moment would be as all the ladies in the study club would do a Rockettes kick line to AC/DC's Highway to Hell. They would all wear lttle Satan horns and of course...their nametags.
God bless you and this blog.
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