You know what the worst part of being a teacher at Vacation Bible School was for me? No swearing. Honestly, I had no idea how much I swear! I was told that I couldn't say, "What the hell??" (one of my favorites) or "Holy Crap!" (another of my favorites, although it does have the word 'holy' in it...I thought that would make it okay. I personally don't consider the work 'crap' to be a bad word but I know that some people do. I know some people who consider "stupid" to be a swear word. To those folks I say, "What the fuck..??!?!") I wasn't supposed to say that anything 'sucked' (even though there were obviously some things that did) and I couldn't tell the kids they were 'retarded' when they did something stupid. (Okay, I know that calling someone retarded is so totally politically incorrect and all of you think differently of me now because I say that....but all I have to say to you is...let those of you who are without sin cast the first stone. Please. Now shut the hell up.)
Now, here's the thing. Those are only the LITTLE swear words that I use. I am overly fond of the word "shit". I use it in a variety of circumstances. My house looks like shit. I need a haircut because my hair looks like shit. Don't eat the week-old meatloaf in the fridge because it smells like shit. No allowance for the kids because they don't do shit. You get my drift here? Shit is like the perfect swear word. My favorite swear word is "pussy" but I don't have a lot of occasion to use it. I'm not even sure how to use it properly, I just like the sound of it. I also like the word "hemoglobin" but it isn't a swear word and I don't even know what it is. (Now, don't leave me a bunch of comments telling me what hemoglobin is. I don't care. Besides, if I really wanted to know I could Google it myself, thank you.)
So, of course I slipped. When we had Water Day in which we all went outside and played games involving kids swimming pools and pitchers of water and a garden hose I know I said, "Holy Crap!" really loudly. Give me a break. That water was freezing. I also know I walked up to one of the parents of a 5th grade boy in my class and said, "What the hell are you thinking giving your son a 69 ounce Coke at 8:30 in the morning?" but I don't think any of the kids overheard that. Besides, the point remains...what the HELL was that parent doing giving a 5th grade boy a sugared, caffeinated beverage at 8:30 in the morning? When I saw this kid walk into the sanctuary on the first day of VBS with a Big Gulp cup I asked him, "What is in that cup?" (I wanted to say, "What the hell are you drinking?!??!" but I realized right before I said it that it would be BAD.) He said, "It's a Coke," and gave me a look that said, "You idiot. What else would I be drinking out of a Big Gulp cup?" I said, "Your parents let you have a Big Gulp of Coke FOR BREAKFAST?" He said, "What? It was only sixty-nine cents." I shook my head and widened my eyes in disbelief while I shouted, "That Is Not The Point!!!" Now, keep in mind that this kid is really bright and fully knew what my point was so he was just flexing his "smart-assity" muscles. Not a good thing to do at 8:30 on a Monday morning when I am not holding anything remotely resembling a cup of Starbucks.
The next thing that happened that morning that told me that I was just totally screwed for the whole week was my 15 year old youth helper showed up. Now, the theme of our VBS this year was SonForce Kids (clever, right? SON instead of SUN. Get it? It's a Jesus reference just in case you were confused as to what we might be talking about at Vacation BIBLE School.) which meant that we were all supposed to be part of some sort of galactic spy network thingy. I don't really get it either, but the whole church was decorated with stars and planets and space stuff. So, all the classes were named something cute and space-ish. The first grade class was called the "Silly Satellites" and stuff like that. So, what was the name of my class? The Awesome Asteroids. So my 15 year old youth helper walks in, looks at the sign that says "The Awesome Asteroids" and laughs a little. When one of my 12 year old youth helpers shows up the 15 year old looks at him and says, "Hey...don't be a pain in my ASS-teroid," which, of course, the 12 year old thinks is HILARIOUS. So, what does the 12 year old youth helper do? He repeats it to ALL the 5th grade boys in my class. GREAT. All week I heard things like, "I don't know the answer. I'll just pull one out of my ASS-teroid." Kill me now. I should have known this whole planet thing was going to SUCK because it was only a matter of time before some smart-ass kid asked about the planet Uranus. Isn't it about time to rename that planet?
Anyway, in the end I didn't really have to worry about getting in trouble for saying "Holy Crap" because I heard that one of the adults brought juice or something to one of the primary grade classrooms (while the kids were in there) and spilled it and said "Shit". You see! All the people running VBS were worried about me fucking up and swearing in front of the kids and instead it was one of the innocuous snack ladies!! Shit. I wish it would've been me.
5 comments:
OK, I teach a general astronomy class in a college and I totally agree - Uranus is a bad name for a planet. Maybe it was cool 100 years ago when kids minds were squeeky clean but not today. I have to talk about it for most of a lecture. I pronounce it "yer-in-us" which isn't much of an improvement because it sounds like "urine". Urine or Anus. take your pick. There is ALWAYS some snickering or out and out comment in class and these are fucking grown ups.
WHo ever named the classes forgot that kids will find swear words and dirty words in everything. Of COURSE they're going to think Asteroids is funny! Have they tumbled onto the Asteroids/hemorrhoids thing yet? They will.
I think 5th grade is about the time I realized that "f*ck" was a bad word.
I had teachers who would make up swear words cuz you just knew they used them at home. "Well foozleburger!" or something like that.
I just don't know what to do without my daily skit.
I've just sort of been wandering around about 9:45 each morning this week looking for my script.
Gotta put the hair in curlers . . .
My kids yesterday told me that a neighbor kid said the "c" word in our basement. I was ready to call his mom when I realized that the "c" word was crap! I'm not sure who told them this was bad, but I am sure it was not me or my husband. I had a really hard time not fucking swearing during VBS, too. 3 hours is about my limit. I had to go home each day, have a drink and swear at my dog.
- Bubbles
All I know is, the kids loved it. They had a great time. There is a reason you are so popular with the kids, because you're good.
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