Here you go, Al

My friend Alan, who comments on this blog occasionally, asked in the comments on my last blog why there weren't any college pictures in my last post. Well, I found a few that I would like to share. First let me tell you a little about my friend Alan. I dated him for a while in college. I met him through our mutual friend Laura. She and Alan had an art class together and she thought he was really cute but she had a boyfriend at the time. One day she decided that since she couldn't date him I should date him instead. Because she was my very best friend I told her I would, even though I knew he totally wouldn't be my type. She likes big muscly guys and I like men skinny and wiry. She likes big noses and, well...seriously. Who likes big noses? That's just weird. She likes hairy chests and I like no superfluous body hair. I liked really, really smart guys and...well, let's just say that her idea of smart and my idea of smart are completely different. For example...one of the guys I dated in college bought me a gift for no reason whatsoever once. It was a book called The Unbearable Lightness of Being. (That book was also made into a movie starring a young and very sexy Daniel Day-Lewis and a young and very sexy Lena Olin. There's tons of "meaningful and imperative to the story line" sex in the movie so I highly recommend it. Take a look at this picture:

I am pretty sure they get naked right after this. She keeps the hat on. It's hot. Plus, the movie itself is really about a lot more than just gorgeous people doing it. It is set in Czechoslovakia during the Soviet invasion in 1968. Besides just being gorgeous, the characters in this movie are very intelligent and they discuss political issues. It's just a really well done movie based on a fabulous book...and there's nudity. Who could ask for anything more?)

So, anyway, this boy gives me this book and tells me that it is the most beautiful love story ever written and it made him cry. Now, you have to understand that this is no "romance novel"; it is a wonderful book that really studies the characters of the three protagonists and the complicated way that love effects everything you do. I'm telling you, it was a very cool gift. This guy was well-read and bright and SMART. Laura's idea of a SMART guy was someone who went to classes on a regular basis and had maybe read a book at some point. Now, before I sound like a complete bitch, let me point something out: Laura's boyfriends were not dumb. We just valued different kinds of "smartie-ness". I married someone that I think is one of the smartest people I've ever met. Laura married someone that I don't think is particularly smart. I live in a little house that was built 40 years ago and is falling apart. She lives in a ginormous brand new house that sparkles. Hmmm... (As a brief aside, I wouldn't trade Tony for the biggest house Ty Pennington could build. At the end of the day, I have a spouse that I can really talk to and that's better than 5 bedrooms, 3 full baths, a three car garage and granite counter tops.)

So, I had very little hope for this meeting with Alan. All I knew for sure was that he was Jewish. Okay...at this point in my life I hadn't really dated anyone "ethnic" and I figured that Jewish counted as "ethnic" so I was willing to give it a shot. Plus, he was the president of his fraternity...so he couldn't be a total loser. Here is a photo of Alan in the front yard of my parents house:

Al was (and is) a very bright man, but he was totally high maintenance. Maybe it's a Jewish thing. He also had a greater appreciation for the finer things in life than I do. He could tell a real Rolex from a knock-off at 50 feet. The first thing he said when he drove through my parent's neighborhood was, "Do you have to own either a Cadillac or a Mustang to live here?"
On the other hand, he liked the funniest stuff. He totally had a thing for Barry Manilow. We went and saw him in concert once. It was hilarious. We were BY FAR the youngest people there. There were bus loads of polyester-clad middle aged women pulling into the parking lot with sheets hanging out the windows proclaiming "We Love You Barry!!" I guess they didn't get the memo saying Barry is GAY!!! He also had a theory about globes. You see, he owned a globe. I had never met anyone who wasn't a history teacher who actually owned a globe. Al told me that every Jewish boy gets a globe at his bar mitzvah. I don't know if that's a Jewish thing or an Al thing but I never forgot it. It also made me really, really, really want a globe. I got one right before they changed the names of whole bunch of little countries and the globe company sent me stickers to correct my globe.

Here is another picture. This one is of Al and me at his fraternity formal. Notice how my arm is bent at a funny angle? It looks like I am channeling Stephen Hawking. That's because Alan was squeezing me so tight that I couldn't move. He did that all the time. I think he did that just to prove that he was in charge. I'm surprised I didn't dislocate something during one of our photo ops. It never bothered me though; I thought it was funny. Still do. Later that same evening we looked like this: I loved that dress, but I was completely bummed about my shoes. Alan and I are about the same height, so I had to wear flat shoes. Seriously, it totally pissed me off. That's why I could have never married him. The shoes make the outfit, and to be limited for the rest of my life??? No fucking way. In any case, my hair looks so awful! I can't believe I ever wore my hair like this. On the other hand, Alan probably loves this picture because he actually HAS hair in it. Now, he has none.
In the end, he dumped me. I knew it was coming and I probably should have just broken up with him because we were both so over each other, but I could tell he was just so nervous about the actual dumping that I hung on for a few weeks to see what would happen. As it turns out, Alan took me to dinner and he was so nervous he couldn't even eat. I, on the other hand, was starving. So our entrees came, I ate mine, he dumped me and I asked, "Are you gonna eat that?" and then I proceeded to eat his dinner too.
As it turns out, we became friends and that was even better.
So--there you go, Alan. I DO have some pictures from college.