Well, you know it was only a matter of time before I wrote something about Johnny Depp. Not only is he a wonderful actor (people forget that sometimes because of the whole "Pirates of the Carribbean" thing, but he really is. 
Just watch "Gilbert Grape" again, or "Edward Scissorhands" or even "Chocolat"--which, incidentally isn't my favorite Johnny Depp movie, even though he looks lickable in it, because I generally loathe love stories; especially trite ones. However, he did act in that movie...and not like a cartoon character either) but he is also pretty to look at. I admit that I don't have the poster of him on my bathroom door because he is such a fabulous actor, but at least I feel slightly justified in my admiration which is (as I stated before) not based solely on the fact that he looks fabulous from any angle.
Also, he is the first person I have had a poster of that didn't turn out to be gay. Seriously. When I was 9 years old, I loved Elton John. Gay. Then there was George Michael. Gay. Morrissey. Gay (although he hasn't come right out and said it, he is).
I have wasted lots of time having crushes on gay singers.
Now, how could I ever have NOT realized that Elton John was gay? I mean, really?? 
Who dresses like that...even in the 70's? For crying out loud, the first time I ever saw him was on the CHER show. 
C'mon...CHER!However, I was nine years old...give me a break. That was the same year that the song "Afternoon Delight" came out and I walked around singing it all the time because I thought it was about candy. You know, like Turkish Delight. I was always slow to pick up on stuff like that. I thought the Village People were just a group of guys who liked to sing about their favorite place to swim. So, when Elton John "came out" as a bisexual in 1976 I was totally devastated. Now I was going to have to compete against women AND MEN for his affections! Honestly, though, it just never occurred to me.
George Michael...well, the fact that I couldn't tell he was gay is just embarrassing. (See below.)
In any case, that brings me back to Johnny Depp. I adore Johnny Depp. I have posters of him in my house. My friends give me grief about it, but I would rather look at a fine photo of Johnny Depp than some bullshit art print that matches my decor. I love art...was an art history major as a matter of fact and know lots and lots about art. I would like to be a guard at the Art Institute for a month just so I could get there before the public and actually touch a Rodin...or feel the brushstrokes on the canvas of Monet's Haystacks. However, I don't want a stupid reprint of a great work of art, nor do I want sub-standard art on my walls. So, why not Johnny Depp posters? I don't have any unrealistic ideas about meeting him and having him fall in love with me or anything. I'm not 10. I just like to look at him.
The other day I was on a field trip with Brenna's school choir. As part of a choral exchange they were rehearsing a song to sing at a concert with one of the local high school choirs. The song? "Joy to the World". You know, the Three Dog Night version. It goes:
Jeremiah was a bullfrog Was a good friend of mine I never understood a single word he said But I helped him drink his wine And he always had some mighty fine wine Singin'... Joy to the world All the boys and girls now Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea Joy to you and me If I were the king of the world Tell you what I'd do I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the war And I'd make sweet love to you Sing it now...
Well, the kids weren't supposed to sing it that way!! Instead of drinkin' mighty fine wine they sang that he always treated me fine. Also, nobody was makin' sweet love to you they were spendin' time with you. Okay, now think about it...how does it make sense to spend time with a stupid bullfrog unless you're drunk? And, if you throw away the cars and the bars (meaning you can't get drunk anymore) and the war, what the hell are you going to do? If I can't go anywhere and I can't drink...then I'd better at least be having sex. Just spendin' time together isn't going to cut it. So, the school took the sex and the alcohol out of that song and made what was already a retarded song even more retarded. So, I was talking to the other chaperones about how stupid it was...especially taking out the wine reference. Who cares? That's when I brought up the fact that when I was little and sang "Afternoon Delight" I had no clue what I was even saying. I mean, I just thought it was a cool song. By changing the words to this song, did the school administration really think they were going to keep kids from drinking and having sex? Give me a break. Point being, I didn't have sex at lunchtime in 4th grade because I sang "Afternoon Delight". Then we all started talking about how the whole idea of having some actual "Afternoon Delight" didn't even sound good because we had so many other things to do while the kids were at school! Why waste 30 minutes on that? Besides, then you'd have to take a shower afterwards and the next thing you know the kids are getting off the bus and the laundry STILL isn't done. SO, one of the other chaperones said, "Well, if Johnny Depp came to your door and wanted a little "Afternoon Delight" I bet you would take him up on it, Carolyn."
Well, I started to really think about that and here is my conclusion. First of all, what the hell would Johnny Depp be doing at my door on a weekday afternoon? Only Anne Heche shows up unannounced (remember the "I'm from another planet" episode?) and I wouldn't let her in. Secondly, if he did show up, what are the odds it would be because he wanted to get naked with me. It's not like he couldn't do better. Thirdly, I just am not into meaningless sex at my age. Sure, he's fun to look at...but what are we going to talk about afterwards? He would be rolling himself a cigarette and I would be trying to cover up my thighs. Unless he was doing research for a role about a middle aged suburbanite, I am thinking that we wouldn't have a whole lot to say.
Me: So, Johnny...how's France?
Johnny: Great! Next time you are there, you and the girls will have to stop by and meet Vanessa and the kids.
Me: Perfect. So...want to hear about my stupid-ass job in Financial Aid? It's fascinating!
Seriously. Even if Johnny Depp did decide that he absolutely had to have sex with me, I couldn't do it. What would be the point? Don't get me wrong...I would love to have Johnny Depp show up at my door. BUT, I hope he brings his checkbook and Ty Pennington...then he can do something that would really turn me on; remodel my kitchen.
18 comments:
I still say you are wasting your time at your present job. You have such a talent for writing and I think you should pursue it - plus you are soooo funny!!!
I'd be covering up all kinds of body parts, so the afternoon delight would be out...I'd much rather have an afternoon cup of coffee and grown up conversation. Although if he brought his checkbook and then took me on a shopping spree...I mean think about what he'd pick out for me to wear? Well, back to screaming 5th grade girls who are trying to learn booktitles. Like I said, grown-up conversation would be great.
Gee...no mention of your husband in your decision-making process? Gee, don't I feel...I mean...I bet he feels special.
Have you seen that new Carson Kresley show How To Look Good Naked? (http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/shows/how-look-good-naked) I find it very female affirming. (Rachel says I'm more of a Feminist than her) Maybe after you watch that show, when Johnny Depp comes over and you'd just stand there in your pretty underwear.
Oh, and perhaps Tony's secret crush of Heidi Klum could carpool with Johnny?
As for Gay poster boys of the '80s, here's your twist, I only had one poster of a pop band singer up in my room and that was Nick Heyward of Haircut 100. Turns out he is STRAIGHT. Absolutely crushing for me.
It just so happens that it is Gay ski week here in Aspen. Maybe you could come, and you could practice guessing the gays and straights.
Hey anonymous #1--I agree that I am wasting my time at my present job...however, they do pay me which is an upside!
Notahousewife...As fun as it would be to go on a shopping spree with Johnny Depp, I would still rather have a new kitchen. Besides, I hate shopping, which everyone knows! Too many people.
Anonymous #2--come on, Tony. It was implied that you were a part of my decision making process. Really!
Jim--I have seen lots of ads for the Carson Kresley show, but I really don't want to see those women naked--or even in their underwear! If I don't want to look at myself naked, why would I want to look at them naked?
I loved Haircut 100. Too bad they only made one album. In defense of you and me and our faulty gay-dar...in the 80's everybody dressed like they were gay, so how could anyone possibly tell the difference?? That twist, however was laugh out loud funny!!
Alan--Maybe Jim and I should come out for gay ski week. I'm sure we would both enjoy it---for completely different reasons!!
OK, I can understand missing on Elton. You were pretty young. But, by the time WHAM! came along you were old enough to actually know gay people yourself weren't you? This was no longer just an abstract theory. Plus, there was MTV, so you could watch their videos. I think you must have just been in denial.
Phil,
Remember Scott Smith from college? I didn't know he was gay either.
By the way, I didn't forget my threat...I mean promise to write about you in my blog. I swear, the next blog is going to be about you.
My best friend has a thing for Johnny Depp, honestly I don't get it. He seems to have such a dark personality... Maybe it's just that part he played in fear and loathing that got me turned off of him.
My biggest celebrity crush would have to be Luke Wilson! There's just something about him.
I've been to Gay Ski week in Whistler, BC. It was too cold!
As for my finely tuned Gay-dar, I always pick out the straight Europeans.
Even after meeting George Michael once (and stammering). I was not certain he was gay. I guess he'd need to be in gay bar, with his hand on my ass, looking me in the eye and saying, "I'm gay." for me to actually get it.
Needless to say "oblivious" is a mantle I've worn for some time now.
You know, I've reproached myself for not realizing that George Michael was gay.
But if you think about it, Andrew Ridgely was even gayer, and as it turns out, he's not gay at all.
So, don't fret.
LOL! I love reading your blogs when I'm out of sorts. They make me laugh!
Cripes! Talk about oblivious! Until Willow and Tara actually kissed on Buffy I had absolutely no idea it was headed that way! And I was just sure that George Michael was just "playing" gay and not gay really for a while (we'll call that one denial). Morrissey is gay? Really? (See how I am? Hell - I thought Jim was straight until he told me otherwise!). ;-)
Johnny Depp. Let me just focus on him for a while. *sigh*
Thank you, Carolyn. I needed that.
What!?!
I'm GAY!?!?!?!
Jim!!
You're gay? Shit! Now I have to rip down your poster too!!
The tip off that I was gay was that in my poster I am in a one-piece red swimsuit on a multi colored blanket and my hair is completely feathered - very Farah. Oh god, I can totally do that right now...
Now, Ty Pennington ringing my doorbell, that WOULD be a great afternoon... I mean, for my house, of course. Did you see the last Extreme Home Makeover he did for a girl who can't be in an environment that is over 62 degrees? They put a bowling alley and a beautiful classroom in their house. It was awesome.
This blog was awesome - loved the pictures. I saw Wham at the old Poplar Creek - I had NO idea about anything. I went to a Catholic grade school, though, so the word gay only meant happy to me...
Nobody will read this since it is a week late, but I have to say it anyway. You want to know how bad Carolyn's gay-dar is? She was in college with the aforementioned gay Scott Smith. I was out of school and was talking with Carolyn on the phone, and she was telling me about Scott and how her best friend had a huge crush on him. BF was basically throwing herself at him and he would sleep over with BF, but nothing would happen. Being a guy, I told her he must be gay because college guys don't sleep with girls without something happening. She disagreed. During a later conversation she told me how some things did happen in the interim- she gave him a blowjob and they had anal sex. AND I STILL HAD TO CONVINCE HER HE WAS GAY!!!! And you wonder how George Michael got by her!
I think you just wrote about Johnny D. so that I would respond to your blog. Am I that self absorbed? Not really.
Chocolat was my all time favorite Johnny D. movie too. I would like him to do a movie with his fabulous old boots on.
I would like to just be seen with J.D. In public...yes..with adult conversation, a cup of coffee and a white cupcake with chocolate icing!
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