You know how many weeks are left in my Bible Study? Me neither because I quit!! Here's how it all happened...two weeks ago the kids were out of school on Thursday and Friday for Teacher Institute Days (I have no idea what the teachers do on those days, but I think it must involve alcohol. It certainly would if I had to teach all those rotten kids.) So, I emailed my discussion leader and told her that I couldn't come to Bible Study because the kids were home from school and I just couldn't bear to leave them. So I skipped Bible Study and went and worked out at the Y instead. (Couldn't bear to leave my kids??! Give me a break.) I got an email in return that told me to pray about skipping Bible Study and maybe finding play dates for the kids so that I could attend. God really wanted me to come to Bible Study. Well, I felt slightly guilty after reading this, but not enough to go to Bible Study. You see, every time I thought about it I would picture the women in my discussion group sitting around talking about being submissive to their husbands and telling me that the reason I didn't like all the rules was because Satan had a hold of me and was trying to get me to stop coming to Bible Study. Honestly. Now, I know that maybe Satan had something to do with some of the crap I did in college (which I feel bad about now, but really enjoyed in the moment) but I seriously doubted that Satan was the reason I hated to wear that retarded name-tag.
Anyway, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn't like anyone in my discussion group. There is this one woman in there that always wears pointy shoes and full makeup and sits there all self-righteous with her gold embossed King James version and makes us all feel stupid. The rest of us all have study Bibles with notes on each page to help us understand what the heck is going on but she's got this King James with no notes and she is always correcting the rest of us on our interpretations of scripture. Now, keep in mind that one of the stupid rules of the Bible Study is that we aren't supposed to use the Notes in our Bibles to help us understand what the scripture says; we are to ignore them and come up with our own answers. Please! That's like telling a 6th grader that even though the answers are in the back of the Math book you aren't to look at them when you do your homework. (This was actually the case in my 9th grade Algebra class. I looked at them each and every time I did my homework. My friends did too. They all would purposely get one answer wrong so it looked like they didn't cheat, but I said, "Screw that!" and got 100% every time. I mean, wasn't that the purpose of cheating in the first place?) Anyway, so here is Miss Pointy-Shoe Smarty Pants telling us that our interpretations were all wrong and correcting us and then having our discussion leader agree with her and thank her for her answer! It made me mad because I knew my interpretation wasn't wrong...I copied the answer right out of the margin notes for crying out loud! So, strike one for her and her King James version. The other thing I couldn't stand about her was how she would look everyone up and down when they were talking in the group and then smiling smugly like we were stupid little children that she was Christian enough to tolerate. I just wanted to beat her with her pointy little shoes.
The other woman in the group that just made my butt cheeks clench was this woman in her early 50's who was so sad for all her family members who hadn't found Jesus she just could barely talk about it. She always requested that we pray for Cousin George who just needed to "find Jesus" or brother Bob who hadn't yet "seen the light". She was also the one who told me that the reason I hated the rule about not wearing perfume was because Satan was working inside me. I was tempted to write "666" on my inner arm with a black Sharpie and casually push my sleeves up one day when I was sitting next to her. Bet that would have made her fall to her knees and speak in tongues. She always wore clothes that were so tragically hip too. Ugg boots and fur lined vests and square green glasses that she took out of a Prada glasses case every time she had to read one of her answers from the work-sheet. BARF!
I'm sure that some of the other women in the group didn't like these two either. I mean, we all nodded and shook our heads in agreement every time "Susie King James" corrected us and we all piously vowed to pray for Miss Tragically Hip's misguided family members, but we all secretly loathed them both...I just know it. I mean, no one is that full of the love of Jesus right? I know that Jesus would want me to pray for them and love them, etc. but their holier than everyone else attitude got to me! They always made me feel like I was less than a good Christian just because I wasn't in agony over all the people I couldn't convert or because I couldn't figure out what Paul was talking about in Romans without the Cliff Notes. (By the way, I found out that Pointy Shoe girl has a Master's Degree in Theology. How dare she try to pass herself off as some genius house-wife who just understood the Bible better than everyone else!)
Bottom line, I enjoyed my morning off from Bible Study SO MUCH that I decided to make skipping it a regular thing. I emailed my discussion leader and told her that I wouldn't be back. She emailed me back and told me to pray about this decision and that I was welcome back anytime. She also told me what a good attendance taker I was! No kidding. Suffice it to say that I am pretty sure I am a fixture on the Bible Study prayer list. Poor Carolyn. Looks like Satan wins this time!!
12 comments:
Hi Carolyn. I am not too worried about your loss of bible study although it really has been great fodder for this blog.. But then I am a heathen as I have mentioned before. And what the HELL do people do with a theology degree besides torment others in bible studies? Are there any real career options for that field outside of the church? She is probably there so that she doesn't feel like she completely wasted her education.
Hey, guess what, I am pregnant!! :) 41, godless, and knocked up. I am torn between feeling really old or really young. I am also SO excited. I hope it is a little girl. I think all fathers deserve at least one little girl. Punishment for past sins. :) Make 'em really SWEAT to think of any boy like them getting close to their daughters. Heh heh. I would love to be a mom to a little girl, help her become a strong woman etc blah blah blah. My sister made a good point - our family has plenty of strong women - we need strong MEN. I also really love having a son when I am not on the brink of exhaustion...
Well anyway - good for you for shit-canning those awful women. I am floored that you lasted as long as you did. They sounded totally humourless. What is next for you? Where will you get your material?
CAROLYN,
DO YOU THINK THAT THIS IS SURPRISING TO ANYONE OF US? I THINK YOU ARE A FINE CHRISTIAN WOMAN BUT LIKE I TOLD YOU BEFORE, SOME PEOPLE DO NOT THINK THAT HIS OR HER BEHAVIOR NEEDS TO BE CHANGED EVEN IF NOBODY CAN STAND THEM. THEY ARE SO INTO THEMSELVES THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER AND THEY WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT. THE WOMAN YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT WILL DO ANYTHING SHE WANTS IF IT HURTS PEOPLE OR NOT. YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE OF A CHRISTIAN THAN ANYONE OF THESE WOMAN. JUST BECAUSE YOU ENJOY ICE CREAM AS A DESSERT CHOICE, YOU CAN'T HELP YOUR NATURAL INSTINCTS BUT YOU CAN ADJUST THEM A BIT, WHICH YOU DO ON MANY OCCASSIONS. WHEN YOU NEED TO BE, YOU ARE VERY SELF CONTROLLED AND CARING. I ADMIRE YOUR EFFORTS, BUT I THINK THAT YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THOSE PEOPLE. I MEAN THAT IN A VERY CHRISTIAN TYPE WAY.
They didn't deserve to have you.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Carolyn,
Omg. I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard when I read this. People like this give Christians a bad name. They need to get over themselves and quit looking down their noses at the rest of the world.
Have you considered starting your own bible study group? You could control who was in it (divas and right-wingers need not apply), what people wear (only t-shirts with rude sayings) and what is discussed (the bible as it relates to movies today). You could serve coffee and Bailey's, and ice cream of course! I would be happy to come and take attendance (I am actually good at this).
- Bubbles
Go back! Go Baaaack! This is like losing Sex and the City. Except it's God and the city. Say it isn't so Carolyn. I was hoping that you would finally go Postal on their pious asses.
Bubbleicious, I must tell you again to settle down.
Without a right wing how would anything fly?
Quit picking on Bubbles! She actually has a great idea here...drunken Bible study with pop culture overtones. Sounds perfect and almost like it should be marketed as a board game. Bet it would be huge on the seminary campus'.
And as far as those of you who are worried about my lack of fodder for my blog...well, I still go to church! There's plenty to talk about there!
You go Bubbles! I think you could make a show out of it for CBN.
Carolyn quits Bible Study group, Jerry Falwell drops dead!!!!! I would love to hear how the study group spins that this week. Good for you.
YOU, Miss, are going straight to HELL! Everyone knows that the path to God is through the Church, and your pastor/revrend/bible study teacher. Your "personal" relationship with Jesus doesn't count for squat without a person of superior moral and religious character telling you that you are a sinner.
On the other hand, if you remember correctly, Jesus was- before, during and after, a Jew. If you decide to come over to our side you can enjoy many perks and benefits. WWJD? I can tell you! Jesus, along with the rest of us Jews, are controlling the liberal media, running Hollywood, making the best damn Hot Dogs anywhere and controling the world of High Finance. You too can be part of these and many lesser known conspiracies. If this doesn't appeal to you, I guess there is always Unitarians, or LDS.
What they all said. Hey, if I could find a drunken Bible Study, I might actually consider going back again!
Post a Comment