Self-Help For Dummies

I have really tried to be a better person. I have tried being grateful for the little things...like sunshine in February. I have tried starting out every day with a new outlook. I have tried pretending to read self-help books. (I said "pretending to read" because anyone that knows me knows that I think self-help books are a load of crap...which they are. Seriously, if you buy a self-help book, aren't you going to pick the one that tells you what you want to hear or what you already know? Of course you are. So, save your money and spend it on something that will REALLY help you...like booze.)
So, I decided that I would forgo all the "planned" ways to change my life and do something a lot more free-form. Yes, my friends, I went with the lazy route to changing one's life because that way you don't have to adhere to any rules, or even guidelines, for that matter. I mean, if you say that you are going to wake up every day with a smile and then one day you don't then you have failed. BUT, if you go on some nebulous "spiritual journey" then you can pretty much do whatever you want and just say it's a part of the trip, which, in and of itself makes the whole thing doomed. However, I still thought that it was worth a try and went on my little spiritual journey unbeknownst to anyone but myself.

I decided that I would try to be less materialistic. I would think about all the poor people in Haiti and be thankful for my stupid house with the shitty threadbare carpet and the light fixtures that don't fucking work. I would be happy with my 5 year old Old Navy pants that are fraying at the cuffs and my hand-me-down shirts from my friend Laura whose style is more Las Vegas than a showgirl. I would be excited about my stupid fucking job and grateful to have it.

Well, you can see where this is going. My spiritual journey consisted of a lot of soul-searching and the conclusion I came up with was: Spiritual journeys are stupid. Once I was at peace with that, I bitched to my husband about the house, I painted my toenails black and I went to a tanning salon to take the edge off my post-spiritual-journey paleness.

Now I feel much better.

In other news, I also turned my back on my solemn promise never to watch Jay Leno on the Tonight Show (because I think he's a tool for what he did to Conan O'Brien) and watched his show just to see Adam Lambert.

This is not the best picture of him from the performance, but check out that eye make-up! This totally clinches the deal for me...I am dressing up like Adam Lambert for Halloween. I am going to get some Swarovski crystals and glue those suckers right to my face. I am hoping I can talk my whole family into being Adam Lambert. Now, that would be a picture for our Christmas Card!
Speaking of Adam Lambert, could American Idol SUCK any more this season? The best part of it so far is Ellen because she is so funny, but her big ears are starting to be too much of a distraction for me.Now, don't get me wrong; I love Ellen and think she's great on Idol, but she needs to grow her hair out a little. Watch Idol next week...I bet you will be staring at Ellen's ears now.