Niceness is over-rated.

My friend Jim has got to be one of the nicest people I know. I am not sure if that is a compliment or not because I have never, ever been described as nice (Seriously, when you think of me is "nice" the first word you would use to describe me? I don't think so. I don't even think it would be the tenth word you would use. I think it would be somewhere around...well, where ever you would place the word "perky" in that list. You get the picture.) and because of that maybe I have a skewed sense of what constitutes nice. However, I do have a lot of really nice friends for some weird reason. I have no idea why. I mean, these are people that, not only do I think they're nice, but other people do too. Therefore they must have some other character flaw that makes them want to befriend me, but that doesn't take away from their inherent nice-ness.

In any case, Jim is really nice. I say this because he is the only person that I know that, even when he is rightfully and HUGELY angry with someone, rather than say something awful and mean to that person, he doesn't. He told me that he had such an opportunity recently and rather than call his former friend a stupid mother-fucking jerk (which is what I would have done) or something like that...he thought of the immortal words of Thumper. Yes, Thumper of Bambi fame. Those words are, "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

Honestly. Now, I know I have told my children the same thing (only grammatically correctly and with the "g"s on the ends of the words---I mean, I'm not Sarah Palin) but I don't really mean it. C'mon! I just say that so they won't say mean things to ME, but I have no problem with them saying mean things to someone who is crappy to them. Sometimes I even do it for them. For example, when Brenna was in 3 year old pre-school she dressed up like Peter Pan for Halloween. Unfortunately, that was not a year the Peter Pan was particularly popular so I had to run around like a moron trying to find her a damn costume. I couldn't find a green leotard or leggings to save my life. I ended up finding her a hat at a drunken Oktoberfest party at a bar. I'm surprised I was coherent enough to think to buy it...but that's another story. ANYWAY, Brenna was dressed up like Peter Pan in a room full of princesses. I was proud of her originality, but one of the other little girls walked up to her and said, "Are you supposed to be Peter Pan? Peter Pan is a BOY. Are you a BOY? You can't be Peter Pan."

Well, Brenna just stood there and I could see that her feelings were hurt and that this costume that she had been so proud of and that I had busted my ass to get together was losing it's shine for her. Let me tell you, I wasn't going to let some bitchy little 3 year old brat take this away from her. So, of course I rationally explained to the child that Peter Pan was notoriously played by a woman on the Broadway stage and that the part was really written for a girl to make Peter Pan more childlike and that it was all about pretend anyway, just like Halloween!

No, of course I didn't REALLY do that. I ripped her a new one. I looked at her and said, "Are you supposed to be a princess? Princesses are supposed to be tall and blond and have royal blood in their veins. Are you royalty? Well, then you can't be a princess!"

True story. I was a complete and utter bitch to a poor 3 year old on Halloween. She had it coming. Thumper's flawless philosophy never even crossed my adult mind because I was pissed off. I'm sure Jim would have patted this child on the head and said something nice about her stupid princess costume and been, well, you know, a grown-up. Good for Jim.

My friend Crystal's husband Glenn is really nice too. He just can't help it. I totally don't get it. He's so nice that it bothers him when people around him aren't nice to each other in his presence. One night Tony and the kids and I were over at their house for dinner. The adults were sitting on the deck drinking wine while the kids were making us dinner. It was the kid's idea! I swear! However, I am going to suggest that the next time they want to do something like that they should learn to mix a martini or something too... In any case, the kids were all inside and we were outside and Tony and I were bickering back and forth about something. I am sure I was annoyed with him because (and I know he will agree with me on this point) I am usually annoyed with him about something. So there were were sniping at each other (but smiling the whole time) and Glenn is getting more and more discombobulated and uncomfortable because we are bickering, albeit playfully. And even though I knew I was teetering on the edge of being a really shitty guest by continuing, I suddenly looked at Tony and said, "You're just an asshole."
Well, that pushed Glenn right over the edge. He said something like, "Okay, okay. Now my rule is that when you say something mean to somebody you have to immediately follow it up by saying two NICE things to that person."
I was still annoyed with Tony, but I decided that, in the interest of being a good guest I would play his silly little reindeer game. So I looked at Tony and said, "You're really good at being an asshole. In fact, you are so good at it, you could be a professional asshole."
Then Tony and Crystal and I busted out laughing while Glenn sat there trying to figure out how his nice little game had gone so horribly, horribly wrong.