Summer's here

Summer finally came to Palatine, Illinois. So I packed up my sunscreen and my kid and went to the pool. Now, our pool here in Palatine is not just a stupid lap pool with a diving board. Nope, it's called the Family Aquatic Center and it is like a mini water park. It's one of the reasons we moved to Palatine. You see, I grew up in a town called Crystal Lake. (Yes, just like the Friday the 13th movies. Nothing as exciting as some crazed killer in a hockey mask killing horny teenagers having sex in a cabin happened in my hometown. If that had happened, my graduating class would have been cut in half.)Well, we didn't have public pools in Crystal Lake because we had...a LAKE. However, every year when I went to visit my cousins in New Jersey we went to their town's public pool. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. Plus, even at a young age I had all kinds of OCD crap going on. I don't like sand because it never really washes all the way off and I hated getting in the car with sand anywhere on my body or feet. And all the sand gets stuck to your wet towel and then you can't wrap it around yourself or you get even more sand stuck to you. I don't like lakes because there's all kinds of green algae crap floating around. Additionally, when you walk around in a lake you never know what you are going to step on. That just creeps me out. And, the water is really murky so you KNOW all the kids pee in there because nobody can tell if you're peeing or not. So, the idea of a public pool was quite exciting for me.
Therefore, when we were looking at houses and I found out that the Palatine Park District has a plethora of public pools for our summer swimming pleasure I was thrilled. In the summer the pool is my happy place. I love the smell of chlorine and sunscreen.
The best thing about the pool though is the people watching. Today was a banner day for that because it is Saturday and everybody and their brother was at the pool. Here are some of the highlights:
I enjoyed the Middle Eastern man with so much body hair that he looked like a Brillo pad. However, he looked like he had been heavily dusted with powdered sugar, but only from his nipples up. Honestly, the abundance of hair from his nipples up was pure white. Then, right at his neck the hair just ended. Everything from there up was bald. I don't even think he had eyebrows. It was the weirdest thing.
I enjoyed the really skinny mom of two with the worst boob job ever. They looked like two cupcakes stuck on a skeleton. She was really proud of them too because her bathing suit top (she had on a tankini) was cut down to her naval. I couldn't stop looking at them. She probably thought I was a lesbian.
Speaking of lesbians, there was a lesbian couple there. (At least I assume they were lesbians. I suppose they could have been 50 year old spinster sisters with their adopted Chinese kid. I am going with the lesbian assumption though.) They stood out not because they were lesbians, but because they looked exactly alike. They looked like a 50 year old version of Chastity Bono. Okay, that's a picture of Chastity Bono. She goes by the name CHAZ now and is undergoing a sex change operation. (I'm throwing that in there for my non-People reading friends.)
Anyway, the funniest thing about this couple was that they had on the exact same black bathing suit and they had stars tattooed all over their right calves. You couldn't help but do a double take.
AND, speaking of tattoos, I enjoyed the variety of tattoos today. There was a fairly large group of Hispanic men there today and they all had a tattoo of Jesus somewhere on their body. But not just any Jesus, it was the crying Jesus with the crown of thorns on His head. And these tattoos were HUGE. One guy had it on his upper chest and had the name Jesus tattooed around his belly button in 2 inch high letters. I don't know if he was labeling his tattoo (in case someone didn't know who it was) or if that was HIS name.
There was your usual group of trashy 20 year old girls with their tramp stamps. You have to wonder if some day they will wake up in the morning and say, "What was I thinking having the name of that motherfucker tattooed on my lower back surrounded by flowers and doves?"
I also enjoyed some of the hot dads. There was one that had a little boy and this dad was smokin' hot. He had a great tan (I think he was Italian, so he probably acquired that tan today) and a washboard stomach and the whitest teeth I've seen since Adam Lambert.Well, how about that? I managed to find a way to bring this all back to Adam Lambert, who I adore. I'm telling you, he was too good for American Idol. Seriously, that stage was just too small for my boy Adam. If I had a son I would want him to be just like Adam Lambert.
More on Adam Lambert later in the week...let's get back to the pool.
Here is the deal: most women who have had a kid or two do not have terrific bodies. One is bound to have a stretch mark (I don't, but I was extremely moisturized throughout both of my pregnancies) or a little cellulite or a less than tight stomach. I have an okay figure for a mom of my age, but I'm not going to the family Aquatic Center in a string bikini! Seriously, cover that shit up! I can't believe some of these women look at themselves in the strategically placed full length mirror in the locker room on the way out to the pool and think, "I look fantastic. I am going to take off my sarong today and show everyone as much as possible." I was sitting in the shallow end of the pool and this mom walked in front of me. Right when she was directly in my line of vision, she bent over at the waist to say something to her 2 year old. Good Lord! I felt like a gynecologist. No one wants to see that! Bottom line...never bend over at the waist in a bathing suit unless you are under the age of 10.