Hello Gorgeous!!

Well, Jim has come and gone and my life will never be the same. Jim has been a loyal reader of this blog practically since it's inception. For upwards of two years we have commented on each others blogs and emailed back and forth. However, we had never heard the other's voice or seen each other in person. He lives in Los Angeles and I live here in Palatine, Illinois. I sorta figured we would never meet...but Jim loves to travel and Chicago is a pretty desirable destination so out he came! Plus, Valentine's Day weekend was the Catholic Drunken Fest and why in the world would you want to spend Valentine's Day with your loved one when you can spend it with a couple thousand drunken Catholics?
In any case, I was a little nervous about meeting Jim for the first time because, well...what if I hated him? (Notice how it never occurred to me that he might not like me.) That silly thought was laid to rest when I saw him coming down to baggage claim resplendent in his tiara. My first thought was, "Shit, I should have worn my tiara too," and my second thought was, "Good Lord. He's way bigger in person than on his blog."

Let me tell you, Jim is one great big hunk of MAN. He is tall and tan and fabulously handsome. He gave me a hug and then promised not to do it again. I was greatly relieved. Once he got his suitcases (yes, there were two suitcases for a four day trip) I tried to remember where I parked. I was also hoping that we would find enough to talk about on the car ride into the city. Well, that was needless worry, to be sure! Not only did Jim have LOTS to talk about, he even brought his own soundtrack! We no sooner got out of the parking garage and he popped a CD in my CD player. I tell you, if you've never heard Dame Shirley Bassey sing Pink's Get This Party Started, then you haven't really heard that song.
In any case, I have to respect someone who actually brings their own background music with them because, let's face it, the moment when you meet a total stranger who you've only exchanged emails with and could very likely be a crazy serial killer, you might as well be listening to music you like.
After we got to his hotel and went up to his room (Yes, I went to his room. Total stranger. Just met him an hour ago. Whatever.) he proceeded to unpack. This is when I was rendered speechless. Out of his suitcase he pulled already assembled and hung up outfits. He had a "preppy" look and a "dressier with tuxedo pants" look and various shoe choices to go with each. Seriously, I thought he was going to pull a coat rack (a'la Mary Poppins) out of there. When I go on vacation I just make sure I have enough of each required clothing item (i.e. underwear, shirts, pants, etc.) to last for however many days I will be gone. If I am really lucky, things might match..but at least I have enough to make it through. Jim, on the other hand, was pondering, "Whatever shall I wear to the Catholic Drunken Fest?" like he was standing in his own closet with a plethora of choices.
Once he had unpacked (and complained about the lack of drawers--I didn't realize people actually used the drawers in hotel rooms!) we went to dinner. After dinner we went back to his hotel room and laid on his bed while he showed me all the fun things you can find on Craig's List. Silly me, I thought it was a job finding site! Apparently you can find all KINDS of jobs on Craig's List...like blow jobs. So we giggled and gossiped like a couple of sorority girls, then we had a pillow fight and then we did each other's hair!!
Just kidding. We did turn off the lights and look in other people's rooms from his window. Eventually I realized that I had to work in the morning so I left and got home at some silly hour.

The next night was the big Catholic fund raiser!! Jim came out on the train. (You really need to read his take on the night . I will hit on some of the things he missed.)
After I found Jim we went to a restaurant where my friend Laura is the hostess. We sat at the bar and waited for our designated driver, Nancy, to arrive. Nancy was at a wake and we bemoaned the fact that she couldn't get us to the Catholic Drunken Fest earlier, but we made the best of it and ordered drinks. Jim charmed the bartender and Laura until Nancy arrived.
Notice how tan Laura and Jim are. Jim is from California, so the tan was totally expected. Laura has a tanning bed in her house. Nancy and I adhere to the "it's winter in Chicago so of course we're pale" school of thought.
Once Nancy arrived and had her "I was at a wake and I'm going to have one drink even though I am the designated driver" drink we left. We went back to my house where Jim marveled at the Barbie Dream House in my living room and cringed at my IKEA furniture and my children charmed him with all their marvelous-ness (they were very anxious to meet my imaginary blog friend) we left for the fest. I have to add that we brought Jim's CD with us for our listening pleasure. Also, Jim was so excited about the snow--he was like a 3rd grader wishing for a snow day. I think it was just because he wanted to try on my enormous fur coat. This picture was taken at the very end of the night when they practically kicked us out. Yes, I believe that we were absolutely the LAST people to vacate the premises. The Catholic guard actually escorted us to the coat check where they waited for us with our coats in hand. The coat check folks were very anxious to see who was stupid enough to check a fur at a high school fund raiser. The kids working the coat check probably laid my coat on the floor and made out on it. (I would say they had sex on it, but we all know that Catholics believe in abstaining from sex until marriage...just like Sarah Palin's daughter....)Both Nancy and Jim were thrilled when they saw the sign advertising MEN. Imagine their disappointment when they followed the arrow and only found a bathroom. I think they were hoping their drink tickets were good for more than just cocktails.Okay. Keep in mind when you are gazing on the photo of Nancy and me in front of the Love Muffin that we are actually in a private Catholic High School. I believe the students themselves do the bulk of the decorating. Hmmm...wonder how that abstinence program is working at this school? You can tell by the look on my face that I know what a Love Muffin is.You know I must have had a few drinks at this point because I am voluntarily hugging Jim. (Jim claims I am a closet hugger. He actually counted how many times we hugged during his visit. Again...we were drinking. I'm sure we've all uttered, "I love you man!" while tipsy.) My favorite thing about this photo is how great our teeth look. Jim told me I look like a "fucking Osmond"! So, I think perhaps our designated driver had a couple of cocktails... Just kidding! Nancy only had one and she nursed it for hours. The thing you gotta love about Nancy is that she doesn't even have to be drunk to pretend like she's getting eaten by a giant pickle. This is just some random guy who wouldn't leave until I took his picture. The thing is, I think I actually argued with him about it a little bit before I just took the shot. I mean, I have a digital camera, right? I could have just deleted it...but NO! I wanted him to move along. Nancy did too, but (as you can see from the photo) she didn't want him to knock over her drink. After all, she was only going to have ONE!
Jesus Christ! We found Him at the Catholic Drunk Fest! Nancy was so excited she did the splits and didn't even spill her (ONE) drink! This was the only indication that we were in a Catholic institution that we found all night. Oh no! I take that back. At one point Jim was getting a drink and asked the bartender where all the gay priests were and the bartender introduced herself. I think her name was Sister Mary Nancy... Nothing says "Catholic Fund Raiser" like a bartending nun! At the end of the night we still had quite a few drink tickets. I bought a ton of them and then Jim bought more because he mistakenly thought we were out. Plus, I think we got a few free drinks along the way. I know the bartender in the "wine room" kept refilling my wine glass and refusing my tickets. I think she was flirting with me. Whatever. I flirted back as long as the wine was flowing. You wouldn't know it from these photos, (I am famous for bringing my camera with me everywhere and then forgetting to take a single picture) but my friend Crystal was there too. However, she had to duck out early because she had to go to her daughter's music competition at 7:00 a.m. or some un-Godly hour. She should have just stayed with us! We would've kept her awake until then!

All in all, it was a fun night. I got home at 4:30 a.m. I'm still recovering.

Jim was delightful! If he doesn't come out for this event next year I simply won't go! I tell you though, we will have to charter a bus next year. I have a bunch of friends who were pissed they didn't get to meet Jim and come out with us. Selfishly I didn't invite a bunch of people because I wanted Jim all to myself. Next year maybe I'll share the wealth.

Some of my favorite Jim moments from his visit...
When I caught him petting my coat behind my back.
When he was relaying a conversation he had with someone and he said, "And I was all, 'What?' and he was all, 'Oh no, I don't think so,' and I was all, 'Whatever' ". I thought only Hannah Montana talked like that. Somehow, it works for Jim.
When he was all frustrated because he couldn't get the Hershey's kiss out of the bottom of his plastic martini glass.
When he told me after seeing my fox coat that, "You know I'm going to be trying that on at some point tonight."
When he ordered a deep dish pizza with 4 different kinds of cheese and then added BACON.

Come back soon, Jim! Love you!!!

I'm back and I've been to church

In general, I am not a big fan of mega-churches. I don't really have a very good reason, except that I really like the feeling of a small church community. Plus, I just think that if you have to get to church an hour before the service so that you can park and get a good seat well....that's just like going to a sporting event, not worship. I always think that when I walk in the door someone is going to hand me a glass of Grape Kool-Aid and slap a Kabbalah bracelet on my wrist. Whenever I think of mega-churches I think of Scientology. Scientology makes me think of Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise practicing Scientology makes me think of arrogant, couch jumping assholery. (That's a new word I just made up. It's a combination of tom-foolery and asshole. I think it's fabulous.) Tom Cruise makes my skin crawl. Plus, I hate his teeth. And his nose. He's just smarmy. Just look at what he did to Katie Holmes! Here is Katie Holmes pre-Tom Cruise:

She's so cute and happy!
Here is Katie Holmes post Tom Crazy-ass Cruise:
She looks sad and afraid.
Their kid doesn't look much happier: I don't know...but Nicole Kidman sure looks better post-Tom.

Anyway, back to the mega church. I went with Brenna to the local mega-church in the Chicago area, which is Willow Creek. According to one of their press-releases, the weekend church services are attended by an average of 24,000 people. It's a huge "campus". I guess that is one of the reasons why I think I don't like mega-churches...if they are serving 24,000 people in one weekend, how can it be a community of God? Isn't it really like a show? When your pastor is a virtual celebrity then how do you connect with him?

In any case, Brenna and I went because Kate from the TV show John and Kate Plus 8 was going to be there as part of their Saturday night "church" service. We got to the church about 45 minutes before the service and we were lovingly guided to a parking spot by one of the many orange-suited parking "worship volunteers". The nice thing about trying to park at a very crowded church is that everyone is so nice. No honking or middle finger salutes here! Nope, everyone just follows the leader and goes where they are supposed to. This is an aerial view of Willow Creek Church. It's huge. See those ponds in the back? They literally do mass baptisms in those ponds. I can't imagine it's incredibly meaningful, but who am I to judge? Then we went in the church and tried to decide which level of the sanctuary we wanted to enter. You see, there are three levels and there are escalators to each level. But not just one escalator...no! There are 4 escalators. True. All around me I saw people on their cell phones trying to locate their friends so they could sit together. The crowd was unbelievable. The plan was that Brenna and I were supposed to meet our friends by the escalators on the first floor. However, after waiting for 10 minutes and trying to call my friend (The cell phone reception in Willow Creek sucks. I tried praying that I would see my friends, but that didn't work. I guess the 8,000 other people in the lobby made that a little difficult.) I decided to take the escalator up and see if I could see her from above. Once I got up there I realized there were other sets of escalators from the other side. I finally found one of my friends loitering by the coffee shop on the first floor. (Seriously.)

Once we finally got in the sanctuary (And I use that term loosely because it looks more like a huge auditorium. There isn't a cross or an eternal flame or any other indication that this is a church.) I looked around and thought, "This is so not working for me." This is the actual sanctuary. I would love to see The Foo Fighters here. The seats are all good and the sound is incredible. It would totally KICK ASS! Oops! Sorry. Blasphemous. Back to the service...Then, the band came out and told everyone to stand. Now, usually I hate that praise band crap where everyone raises their hands and sings and looks all enraptured. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I can't help but feel that they're faking it. I mean, who really feels full of the love of Jesus when they do that? If everyone experiences Christ in their own way, then how come everyone strikes the same pose when they hear praise music? Smacks of fakery to me but, again...who am I to judge? (Not that it keeps me from judging.) However, this band was really, really good. AND they projected all the words on the two big screens for those of us in the nose-bleed seats. I'm telling you, it was like a concert. The band played songs I knew so I sang and my very talented friend sang harmony next to me. It was awesome. I will go back for the music alone. Check out the big screens. Once the band was done they brought out Kate from that show. I've never actually SEEN the show, but I knew enough about it to be mildly interested. However, I was less than impressed with her. Sure, she had 6 babies at one time. Whatever. Yep, it's tough. I'm sure. But, when she was witnessing (so to speak) about some of the "miracles" that she encountered throughout the whole thing I just wasn't "feelin' it". Either she had gotten 15 Botox injections backstage which rendered her face almost immobile or she is just emotionless.
Luckily, the service ended with the band again, so I left happy.
Until we tried to find a bathroom. I'm telling you, the people at Willow Creek must never have to pee. Brenna and I had to go down to the lobby, through some big room full of tables with signs to indicate which groups were meeting where and through a cafeteria the size of the food court at the mall. Actually, it was much nicer than the food court at the mall.

In other news, I wonder if Sarah Palin would have brought her own stripper pole to Washington D.C. had she gotten elected, or if our tax dollars would have paid for it.

There goes Sarah Palin, classy as ever, to some shindig recently in Washington D.C. Perhaps she's lobbying for a position on the National "Cougar" Board. The guy behind her must be wondering how many more people are going to yell, "Hey baby! We'll be back for you later!" out of their car windows. I tell you, now that Palin is not making a laughing stock of the Republican party, she is still an endless source of amusement to me.

Just in case you thought the hooker boots were a one-time fashion risk...see her above on the campaign trail holding her baby to appeal to all the hockey moms and wearing the Pretty Woman boots to appeal to all the men. Look at the woman in the brown sweater. She's looking right at the boots and thinking, "What the...I don't want this whore representing my country! I'm voting Obama!" The boots and baby look alienated many a woman voter, I betcha! Patent leather boots belong on Barbies, 7 year olds and hookers.

Also, I thought I would just mention that my mother is back home and doing pretty darn well for a bald 78 almost 79 year old. I took her to her second chemo this past Monday and she is really proving to be much stronger than I thought she would be. Yippee Mom!! I miss having her stay in my house and I worry about her constantly, but she is stronger than cancer and she is going to make it through 4 more months of chemo just fine! (That's bravado, but just humor me.) However, she keeps letting the "music therapist" some in while she is having chemo and that freaks me out...but that is a story for another time...

Last but not least...JIM'S COMING!!! I know he's going to be fabulous in person. I am looking forward to many photo ops while he is here.

Oh! And I'm going to see Morrissey on April 4th. Whatever shall I wear???