Unspectacular Facts

Okay, so about a month ago I got "tagged" by my friend The HMC and, although I have been successfully avoiding the ramifications of being tagged for upwards of a month now, I figure it is time to respond to the "tagging".
I don't really know what being tagged is, but apparently I have to do exactly what The HMC did on her blog, only I answer the question asked in my own words. Okay then, here goes...


1. Link the person that tagged you. (I have absolutely no idea what that means. Also, if I did know what it means I would probably have to have Tony do it for me because I barely know what I'm doing as it is.)
2. Mention the rules on your blog. (Here you go. These are the rules. By the way, these are the lamest rules I have ever read. I hate rules. Especially for recreational things. Rules are for not-fun things. Like flying or cooking. Blogging is supposed to be fun and I refuse to be hemmed in by RULES. Seriously. Can you imagine if you had to read a bunch of rules every time you did something fun? Take sex, for example. Granted, I do have some "rules" when it comes to sex, but I don't outline them to Tony before we do the deed. I just say, "I don't think so," whenever he gets dangerously close to breaking one. There are just certain things I don't do... OK, back to the stupid rules.)
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours. (I am just going to comment on the stupidity of the previous rule. How can a "quirk" be unspectacular? Don't the words spectacular and quirk just go hand in hand? Quirks are, by nature, funny little things that a person does. If they weren't funny or interesting they wouldn't be "quirks" they would just be "habits", right? So I am warning you now, I did list 6unspectacular things below, but they aren't quirks. All my quirks are spectacular.)
4. Tag 6 following blogger's by linking them. (That doesn't even make any sense.)
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged. (The only person I would have tagged would have been Jim and Tony already did that because he's passive aggressive.)

Prepare yourself for my unspectacular-ness.

1. I think sleeping naked is weird. It was almost a deal-breaker for Tony because when he asked me to marry him I paused because I didn't think I could spend the rest of my life sleeping with a naked man. Think of some of the positions in which you sleep.

Now imagine how attractive you would look in one of those positions totally naked. Gross. Not sexy. Particularly The Foetus (the last one pictured above). Inevitably, Tony will be asleep in this position completely covered by the blanket...except his ass. Yummy.
I repeat: Sleeping naked is weird.
2. I always think I left the oven on or the straightening iron plugged in or the back door unlocked when I leave the house. I have been known to turn the car around 3 or 4 times to check on some imagined fire hazard or safety violation of some sort.
3. I quit biting my fingernails, except for the thumb nail on my right hand. I bite it every night before I go to bed and I chew on my cuticles too. I just couldn't go cold turkey.
4. I rarely buy lottery tickets, but when I do buy them and I don't win, I am always really, really surprised. I honestly believe that I am going to win the lottery. I also can't believe that Oprah hasn't come to my house and offered me money to fix my kitchen. What the hell? I live in the Chicago area and I am deserving. What is taking her so long? She gives shit away all the time. Where's MY free shit? Granted, I have never written her a letter, been to her show, visited her website or appealed to her or her "people" in any way shape or form in my entire life. I don't even watch her stupid show. I don't even like her. But, she should still redo my kitchen.
5. I am really struggling to come up with unspectacular things at this point. Hmmm...let's see. Here's one! I always have a toothpick in my purse. Well, technically, I rarely have A toothpick in my purse, I usually have quite a few in there. It would be weird to always have a single toothpick in your purse. That would mean that you just carried around the same toothpick all the time and either never used it or used it over and over. That's disgusting.
I like toothpicks. Everyone should carry around toothpicks because almost everyone needs to use one after they eat. My dad used to keep toothpicks in his car ashtray. He also kept a pack of Doublemint gum in there. Therefore his toothpicks were always minty fresh.
6. I always keep the free address labels sent to me by various organizations looking for donations. I have some from PETA and The St. Jude's Children's Hospital and The Wildlife Federation and many others. However, I never use them. I just have them sitting in various places around the house. I should throw them away.

There you go. All my unspectacular things.
I would like to know everyone's unspectacular things, but I don't know how to tag people and I only know 3 people who have blogs and all three already did this. So, when you comment, just tell me one unspectacular thing about yourself. If you can come up with 6, go for it! It's harder than you think. Especially when you have a superiority complex, like I do.

I missed you!!

Honest to God, you want to know why I haven't written anything in a month? Well, I'll tell you...

First of all, I can't sit down at this damn computer without someone coming in and asking me what I am doing or asking when I am going to be done or telling me that their sister is doing something heinous to them or something. And by the time those distractions have gone to bed I just want to have a glass of wine and calm down and by the time I finish my (water)glass of wine I am too drunk to write anything.

Second of all, you would think I would have more time in the summer since I don't have to run kids to lessons or make lunches for school and I am only working 12 hours a week...but NO! There's always something going on that takes up my time and energy. For example: I taught at Vacation Bible School this summer. (I did this last summer too and have done so for many a summer.) Well, VBS runs an entire week from 9:00 to noon. However, as a teacher I got there at 8:30 and stayed until at least 12:30. Plus, I had two extra kids staying in my house that week because my friend's daughters wanted to go to VBS and it was easier (for my friend) to just have them stay here. Add to that the prep time to be ready to teach. I was teaching 6th grade, so it's not like I could go in there with finger puppets and a smile. Let's face it, if I were teaching 1st grade and they asked some question about the Bible story like, "What's circumcision?" I could just say, "It's when a boy has his....oh look! A chicken!" and all the kids would spend 20 minutes looking for the chicken and forget about foreskin. In 6th grade they would have real questions about the Bible story like, "Why did the Jews have to sacrifice the fatted calf and where did they do it and did everyone have an altar and why would a loving God tell Abraham to sacrifice his son and why would a father do that?"

Love ya, kid. Now just hold still while I slit your throat.

The chicken ploy rarely works in that instance. So, I had to prepare. Additionally, I was really, really sick with bronchitis and had the mother of all sore throats. I think I went to bed at 9:00 every night that week.

Third of all, I am still working. Granted, I only work two days a week and only from 8:00 until 2:00. AND I work whatever two days I want and if I don't feel like going in because I want to go to Galena or teach VBS or something I just tell them I'm not coming. AND I work for about a half an hour before I get hungry and go get something to eat. AND I tend to answer the phone and end up spending 20 minutes on the phone with a student or a student's parent even if they have a really simple question because we just "get to talking" and the next thing I know we are BEST FRIENDS...but it is still taxing on me. Seriously. For example, I went into work one Thursday and went into my bosses office, shut the door and told him all the things that went on around the office that bugged me. I mean, someone left an empty pop can on my desk and my office mate is a slob who complains incessantly, etc. Then, the following week I came in and there was crap all over my desk (which I sit at for approximately 12 hours a week as opposed to the full time people who work 40 hours) and my favorite highlighter was gone and I had to spend a good half an hour cleaning off my desk and looking for my highlighter. I was so pissed off that I brought it up at our department meeting. The next day I was mad because my boss brought in a bunch of temps who messed up all the files and gave people all the wrong information and I was going to have to spend my whole day fixing what they had fucked up. I complained to the second in command and to my office mate and to the woman who trained me. Ten minutes later my boss came in my office and said, "Carolyn. When you have a minute will you come to my office please?" I looked at my office mate and said, "Shit. I'm going to get in trouble for complaining." Tell me this isn't STRESSFUL!! So, I went back to his office and he handed me a paper and said, "I decided to bump you up." What?? After all the bitching I had done for the past two weeks my reward was a raise. I'm not kidding you. And not just some piddly 50 cent an hour raise either. (I'm only part time so I get an hourly rate...) No, no, no. I got a $4.00 an hour raise! Imagine if I worked a little harder! I think I got the raise just because everyone in the office likes me and thinks I'm funny. Plus, I'm always bringing in food because I like to bake but I hate to eat. Either way, I figure I'm never going to get fired now unless I strip naked and dance around with financial aid files covering my ass. Even then, I'd probably just get a warning.

Forth of all, I have been really stressed about my tan. I am about the whitest person you will ever meet, for the most part. But in the summer I like to be tan because it's hard enough putting on a bathing suit...being really, really white doesn't help. So, after consulting with my friend Jim, I decided to go the spray-tan route. Jim even sent me coupons via email because he is the best cyber-friend ever! I am going to be really disappointed if he isn't this really handsome, stylish gay man who lives a glamorous life of travel and excitement in LA and is really a complete dork of a poser who lives in his mother's basement in Baltimore. That would suck. In any case, I spray tanned a couple of times and I spent a lot of time at the pool with my kids so I could maintain my "pay no attention to the effect gravity has had on my boobs, just admire my glow" of a tan. Well, my pool time has been limited as of late and so my tan is fading so I have become obsessed with self-tanners. BUT, I am too stupid to put them on evenly (which has nothing to do with the fact that I put on my self-tanner at night after my medicinal water-glass of wine) so I end up with some pretty fun fake-tan patterns on my legs. So then I spend an inordinate amount of time with my Bath and Body Works Sensual Amber body scrub and my loofah in the shower so I can wear capris to work without looking like, well, like an idiot who put on her self-tanner when she was drunk.

Fifth of all, and on a more serious note, my dad has been going steadily downhill and although my mother seems to be holding up really well I can't help but worry about her. My dad doesn't remember how to get in the car anymore. You have to tell him which leg goes in first and tell him to duck his head so he doesn't hit it and then you have to tell him where he's going because he doesn't even know where home is anymore. He can't carry on a conversation or even put together a coherent sentence. I don't know how my mom carries on from day to day. This summer while I was working, she and my dad would come in and hang out with the kids until I got home. Mom would do some of my laundry or make the beds and she would play games with the kids and go for walks with them and actually have real conversations with them. Then I would come home and we would talk and sometimes they would stay for dinner or stay and watch the Cubs game or whatever. One day she re-arranged the cabinets in my laundry room which I don't like but will never change because she was so excited to show me and so pleased to be able to help. I liked the way I had them arranged, but in the grand scheme of things I don't really give a shit. My mom is WAY more important than where the Spray 'n Wash is. (And don't tell me to go ahead and put them back the way they were. She checks when she comes over.) In any case, I spend a lot of time worrying about them. And because school goes in soon, next week is the last week they will be coming in to "babysit" for the girls. I know how much my mom has enjoyed being here. As a matter of fact, on the phone tonight she was telling me that she realized and was sad that next week was the last week she was needed. How can I tell her that she is always "needed" and that I want her to keep coming? I am going to have to think of reasons for them to come over twice a week! It means so much to all of us and I know it helps keep her sane. ARRRGGGHHH!! I never counted on my parents getting old! I'm not grown up enough to deal with it! I just want my mommy and daddy to be the same forever and ever.

So, sorry I haven't been blogging more. I've been a little busy. Oh, and I went to a George Michael concert, my daughter's dance recital, Brenna turned 13 and had a "Mall Crawl" birthday party which was fantastic, Bronte played in the girl's softball All-Star game and threw out two girls in one inning, I went to an all-day music festival with the girls, went to Galena, a minor-league baseball game (which was a riot), and got my hair highlighted which I decided I absolutely hate.

How's your summer?