Carolyn RULES!!!

I just made a lovely 4th of July trifle. It has pound cake and strawberries and blueberries and bananas and a whipped cream cheesecake filling. It is just beautiful and I told Tony to tell me how it tastes when we finally get around to eating it. The reason Tony has to tell me how it tastes is because I won't actually be eating any of it. No, it's not because I don't want the calories or because I am allergic to any of the ingredients. It's because I can't stand wet cake. Cake should be dry, not soggy. When I was a kid I never had ice cream and cake at birthday parties because the lazy moms who served ice cream and cake always put them both on the same plate. What the fuck? Ice cream and cake should NEVER, EVER touch. That's just disgusting. If you can't serve the ice cream in a separate dish then just don't bother. I don't like cakes with filling, I don't like cakes with fancy sauces, I don't like cakes with jelly and don't even get me started on the bastard ice-cream cakes. So, today when Tony told me that my trifle looked pretty and I responded with, "You'll have to tell me how it tastes," and then went on to explain my cake guidelines he said, "You need to write all this down."
So, here it goes...Carolyn's Rules (and not just on food either)
No Cooked Fruit:
I love fruit. I eat fruit every single day. However, I do not eat cooked fruit. I hate fruit pies. I hate fruit cobblers. I hate sweet and sour anything because it has hot pineapple in it. Mushy, hot cooked fruit makes me gag. I particularly loathe cooked raisins. I loathe uncooked raisins too, for that matter. Why would I want to eat a petrified grape? Sick.
There are two exceptions to the "cooked fruit" rule. The first is pineapple and Canadian bacon pizza. I love that. The second is blueberry muffins. Blueberry muffins are my absolute favorite muffins ever. I also like banana bread, but that doesn't count in the "cooked fruit" category because there aren't any big chunks of mushy cooked banana in banana bread. It's all mashed up and is not discernible as "cooked fruit". Don't tell me this doesn't make any sense because I don't give a shit what you think makes sense. These are MY rules.
No White Shoes:
The only white shoes that I find acceptable are manufactured by Nike. Other than that, white shoes are ugly and I hate them. Even my wedding shoes were off-white. Go ahead and send me pictures of all your fabulous white shoes...I hate them already.
No Grilled Food:
I don't understand the fascination with grilling. First of all, when you grill food you have to do it outside. Why would I want to cook outside? That's where all the nature is...and I don't want any nature in my food. To top it all off, you put some perfectly good meat on a grill that is filthy and you expect me to EAT IT? No fucking way. I can't stand the taste of grilled food either. You see those lines on a grilled burger?
That's all the dirt and grease and salmonella left behind by previously grilled food. Why would I want to eat that? I don't even like fake grilled food, like "flame broiled" burgers from Burger King. Those taste gross too.
I Always Drive:
Tony doesn't even pretend to want to drive whenever we go anywhere. It's not worth the grief. I am a terrible, terrible rider. I always tell Tony he's going too slow, or that he should put on the windshield wipers/lights/radio, etc. I roll my eyes and shake my head and ask things like, "What are you doing??!" Strangely enough, though, I HATE it when people tell me how to drive. Last night we were coming home from a baseball game and I slammed on the brakes at a yellow light. Tony abhors it when I do that and he loudly yelled, "Jesus!" and made a very tense mad face. I immediately turned on him. "What's your problem? Would you rather I RAN the light?" He wisely refused to take the bait and an argument was averted, but it still pissed me off.
I Have Refrigeration Issues:
I keep a cooler in the back of my car in the summer. That way, when I go grocery shopping I can put the refrigerated stuff in it for transport. Never mind that I live 5 minutes from the grocery store; that stuff could easily go bad in 5 minutes. I'm not taking that chance. When I was a kid I almost died from eating improperly refrigerated egg salad. Well, not exactly...my mother made egg salad from hard boiled eggs that had not been refrigerated for 3 days. You see, we went to New Jersey for Easter to visit my mom's family and dyed eggs while we were there. when we left, my mother packed a few in her suitcase and we drove back to Illinois, stopping for the night somewhere halfway. When we got back, my mom unpacked the Easter eggs and made egg salad and fed it to me and our next door neighbor for lunch. By 2 o'clock we were throwing up blood. Seriously.
So, don't be shocked if you are eating dinner at my house and half-way through the meal I start putting food in the fridge. I can guarantee you that no food at my house will ever cause you to puke blood. I may grab the salad dressing out of your hands the second you are done putting it on your salad so I can put it back in the fridge and I might urge you to drink your milk before it loses it's chill and therefore would need to be disposed of...but you will never get sick from lack of proper refrigeration. That's a promise.
Containers Are Important:
Pop should only be drunk out of a plastic glass. (Unless it's fountain pop and then it comes in paper)
Milk and water should be in a glass glass.
I hate the lids on "to go" coffee and always throw them away. I refuse to drink coffee with a damn lid on it. I will keep the lid on in the car for transport, but I take it off to drink it.
Speaking of coffee, it should never be served in a transparent glass mug. It doesn't even taste right in a glass mug. When I order a coffee and Bailey's in a restaurant, I always tell them I want it in a regular coffee cup. If I forget and they give it to me in a glass mug, I send it back and tell them to put it in a regular coffee cup.

Other Things I believe:
If you don't know the words, don't sing.
Don't read over my shoulder.
Colored mascara is stupid.
Magazines should always be stacked, never fanned out; it's too hard to get them properly spaced when they are fanned out and it doesn't look right.
Cut flowers are pretty, but they are a waste of money; skip the flowers and give me ten bucks instead.
Sleeping naked is wrong.
Don't pick your nose while you are driving...I can still see you. What makes you think you can't be seen?
Your Christmas tree should be taken down before New Year's Eve.
All women look better with make-up.
All plates should have separate compartments for different foods so that they never touch.