I'm on Al Gore's Payroll

I saw this on another blog and since I am a sucker for any quiz-type thing that's all about ME (just ask Jim), I had to do it.

1. Your Rock Star name (first pet, current vehicle):
Duchess Durango (that worked out fairly well...I am a sucker for alliteration.)

2. Your 'gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite shoe):
Now, if you know me then you KNOW that the first word that comes to mind when you think of me is 'gangsta. I'm the first one to threaten to pop a cap in your ass...I like hangin' with my bitches...you know; the regular 'gansta stuff. This name just proves that I was born to be a part of the 'gangsta life: Jamoca Almond Fudge Doc
Shit! I sound dangerous. I think it's the word Jamoca.

3. Your Native American name(favorite color, favorite animal):
Orange Cougar
I must admit...I don't really have a favorite animal. But, a cougar was just shot in Chicago a couple of weeks ago. Apparently it was just wandering around the city and the cops cornered it and shot it to death. OK...so here's what I think. First of all, I don't know where the cougar came from, but it was alone and confused. Second of all, we (the people) are taking away all the natural habitats these animals have. We are building McMansions everywhere and stupid strip malls full of the same stores that are 10 miles down the road in an identical strip mall. If cougars are wandering around the streets like drunken homeless people, it is our own fault. Third of all, this cougar didn't just appear out of nowhere. There had been sightings for days. Why weren't the police ready with a tranquilizer gun or something? Why did they have to kill it? WHERE'S FUCKING PETA??? They should be outraged! All I know is, if they could prove that this animal was unarmed and confused and African American, then Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson would be all over the news talking about the corrupt white cops out to get the minority in Chicago.

4. Your Soap Opera name(middle name, city where you were born):
Jean Moline.
Okay, that's hilarious (mostly because it's the truth). Say it out loud. It rhymes. How funny is that? If that were my stage name then I would fully deserve to only be on soap operas FOREVER. Who could take "Jean Moline"seriously? I would emote and emote for years and never win a Daytime Emmy because of my name.

5. Your Star Wars name(first three letters of your last name, first two letters of your first):
(Princess) Phica
The Princess part is implied. I'm telling you, if I had to put on all that stupid makeup and have some stupid looking hairstyle to be in a movie with a cast of billions, then I better be a freakin' Princess. Plus my name would be pronounced FI-CA. Ick. Like the plant.
Gedca
That's if I go with my maiden name. I think in that case I would want to be Emperor Gedca. And I'd want to be a bad guy. That'd be way funner.

6. Superhero name(second favorite color, favorite drink):
Green Coffee
Sounds like an environmental superhero. I'd be chasing down Juan Valdez to make sure he wasn't using pesticides on his coffee plants. Not quite as bad-ass as I would have liked. Jim's superhero is way, way better. Take a look.

7. NASCAR name(first names of your grandfathers):
Arthur Robert

8. Stripper name(the name of your favorite perfume, cologne/scent, favorite candy):
Prada Kit Kat

9. TV Weather Anchor name(Your 5Th grade teachers' last name, a city that starts with the same letter):
Szech Sacramento
(It's pronounced like BEACH with an S) I think that name sounds bitchy.

10. Spy name(your favorite season/holiday, and your favorite flower):
Halloween Tulip
with a name like that, you would have to assume that I was a pretty shitty spy. Seriously.

11. Cartoon name(favorite fruit, article of clothing you're wearing right now):
Kiwi Bra
It'd be funnier if coconut was a fruit...and it was my favorite. Here's another one (I like lots of fruits.)
Pineapple Hoodie
That one is totally 'gansta.
12. Hippie name(what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):
Coffee Christmas
Oh yes, I can smell the cannabis now. It's the summer of love.

13. "Adult film" star name(first pet, first street that you lived on):
Didn't we already use the name of my first pet? I am going to move on to my second pet. In that same spirit, I am going to use the name of the second street that I lived on (because I don't know the name of the first.)
ToTo Park Boulevard

My Hamburger Phone

Have you seen Juno? I watched it with my daughter (the 12 year old one, not the 7 year old one) and her friend the other night. It was only slightly inappropriate. (I know this because Brenna pointed that out to me about 15 minutes into the movie.)
At the end of the movie I was trying to figure out how to talk to Brenna and her friend about it. You know...it's about teenage pregnancy, adoption, divorce...etc. I wanted to talk to them about sex and consequences and the spiritual ramifications of having sex while in high school. However, I could only think of one thing to say.

"I can guarantee that you will have at least a couple of girls get pregnant while you are in high school. However, I can also guarantee that they won't be anywhere as cool and bright as Juno. They'll be skanks."

Another banner "mommy moment" for me.

And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva...

You know what happened on April Fool's Day? It snowed. Really.

April Fool's Day was also my birthday. Really. Yes, now I am 27 years old. HA!

It was a great birthday. Tony got me tickets to go see Mandy Patinkin at the Chicago Theater. We went the Saturday before my birthday and it was FABULOUS! It was fun to be the token Gentiles, since Mandy's Chicago fan base is predominately Jewish. We had box seats and the other people in the box were a lovely Jewish couple who were celebrating their 55th wedding anniversary. When I told them that we were there celebrating my birthday they asked how old I was. After I confessed my ACTUAL age, the woman looked at me and said, "Honey, I've got clothes older than you." Love, love, love her!! In any case, they were very cute. The husband pulled their wedding photo out of his wallet and confessed that she was only 19 when they got married. His wife smacked him on the arm when he told us, saying, "Maury! Now they know how old I am!" He replied, "What? I just told them how old you were when we got married." She said, "Yes. And you told them we'd been married for 55 years. They look like smart kids...I'm sure they can add!"

Ha! Little does she know. I still can't figure out how old she is. I was a liberal arts major.

Anyway, Maury was so proud of his wedding picture; he had it laminated. Sophie, his wife, asked if we had any pictures of our kids and so the next thing I know we are chatting away about dance lessons and the school system, etc. It was great. Plus, the nice thing about the Chicago Theater is that they have cocktail waitresses milling about the box seat area taking drink orders before the show. Tony and I wanted to buy them an anniversary drink, but they both just wanted water so we got them a bottle of water. When the waitress brought it Maury tried to open it but couldn't get his arthritic hand to do it. Just when I was trying to decide how to offer to open it without sounding condescending he handed me the bottle and said, "I can't get this damn thing open," without any embarrassment whatsoever. It was just like being with my kids! They can't get any damn thing open either. When I tell you they were charming, I mean they were soooo charming. At one point Sophie mentioned how tickled she was to have some fun people to talk to. As the show time neared, I noticed that Sophie and Maury were only abut 5'2" and they were sitting in the two chairs behind us. Well, Tony and I aren't Amazons or anything, but we are taller than your average 80 year old Jewish couple. I whispered to Tony that I would like to give them our seats so they could see, but then the house lights dimmed and I noticed that the two front row seats next to us in the box were empty. So, I looked at Sophie and I said, "You two should sit here. Then you can see better and I'm sure those people won't show up now." So we helped them over to those seats (it was dark and I didn't want anyone to fall and break a hip).

Well, if you know anything about Mandy Patinkin, you know he sings a lot of standards and a bunch of show tunes during his show. Well, if Maury and Sophie knew the song, they would periodically sing along. If I hadn't already established a relationship with them I might have been slightly annoyed by this because you just don't sing along at a Mandy Patinkin show. It's not like seeing The Foo Fighters....it's theater. However, since I knew it was their anniversary and I knew how sweet they were I was just amused. Plus, I kept thinking about how much I wish my parents were there. I would give anything to hear my dad singing along to Pennies From Heaven...but I never will. My mom and dad won't be celebrating any more anniversaries because my dad doesn't even know who my mom is anymore. My mother may never see another show at the Chicago Theater and I know how much she and my dad used to love to go into Chicago and see shows. Because I was a late-in-life baby and my mother never liked to leave me with a baby sitter they would take me too. I saw Pippen when I was 8 (highly inappropriate, but I didn't really get it at the time). I saw Richard Burton in Camelot. I saw Katherine Hepburn in CoCo. I saw Evita (which is why I love Mandy Patinkin so much) and Beatlemania and The Wiz and Annie and so many more I can't even remember them all. My mom and dad loved to hear live music too. One of their favorite places was called Rick's Cafe and it was just a little jazz bar. They didn't always take me when they went there. Then I would be stuck at home with my stupid brother or sister. In any case, I do remember them taking me there once to see Oscar Peterson because he was my hero. Because I was (and am) a piano player, my dad made sure we had a table right by the stage sort-of even with the keyboard so I could watch Oscar's hands while he played. It was an incredible night. I drank virgin Pina Coladas and watched Oscar Peterson play piano until about 1:00 am. I even talked to him. I think I was about 12 at the time. It was a school night and I know I slept all the way home...which is probably a good thing considering Rick's Cafe had a 3 or 4 drink minimum and my folks were most certainly slightly shit-faced by the time we left.

Anyway, I would have loved to have taken them to see Mandy Patinkin, but thanks to Alzheimer's, my parents will never celebrate their anniversary like Maury and Sophie got to. My dad can't even put together a complete sentence anymore. But I still remember him as the man who slipped the maitre'd at Rick's Cafe a $50 so I could sit and watch Oscar Peterson's hands.

Anyway, at some point during the night, I noticed that there was a group of four guys in the box next to us. I noticed because one of them made some non-subtle comment about Sophie singing along to Brother Can You Spare A Dime. I tell you what, if I ever conveyed the sentiment, "Shut the fuck up, you stupid asshole" with just a stare, it was at that very moment. I must have looked fierce because I thought the kid (he was probably a 23 year old theater major) was going to wet himself. After the show was over (And the show was unbelievable. When Mandy sang Bring Him Home from Les Miserables I cried and cried. At one point Tony looked at me during that song and was surprised to see me crying. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't like musical theater. Sometimes I can't believe his father was gay! Did he learn nothing from his dad??) I actually hugged Sophie when we said good-bye. Weird, huh, since you all know I am so completely and totally not a toucher. But the whole evening had been so emotional for me and I just had to hug somebody. Yes, I know I could have hugged Tony....but I really wanted to hug Sophie. I was thinking about how she had told me that one of her kids had purchased the tickets for them...and how I wondered if that adult child realized how lucky he was to have such vibrant and interesting parents. I wondered why that child and spouse hadn't come to the show with them. Didn't he know that he might not always have the opportunity to spend time with his folks, enjoying music together and (yes) maybe being a little embarrassed when they sang along? I know that Sophie and Maury probably forgot all about us when they left the theater, but I will never forget them. They were one of the things that made that night so wonderful.

Oh! One of the other things that I loved about the show was how Mandy ended it. He looked out into the audience, lowered his imaginary sword and said, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." LOVE HIM!!

Where have I been??

I have a lot to say. Check back tomorrow. Seriously.