Self-Help For Dummies

I have really tried to be a better person. I have tried being grateful for the little things...like sunshine in February. I have tried starting out every day with a new outlook. I have tried pretending to read self-help books. (I said "pretending to read" because anyone that knows me knows that I think self-help books are a load of crap...which they are. Seriously, if you buy a self-help book, aren't you going to pick the one that tells you what you want to hear or what you already know? Of course you are. So, save your money and spend it on something that will REALLY help you...like booze.)
So, I decided that I would forgo all the "planned" ways to change my life and do something a lot more free-form. Yes, my friends, I went with the lazy route to changing one's life because that way you don't have to adhere to any rules, or even guidelines, for that matter. I mean, if you say that you are going to wake up every day with a smile and then one day you don't then you have failed. BUT, if you go on some nebulous "spiritual journey" then you can pretty much do whatever you want and just say it's a part of the trip, which, in and of itself makes the whole thing doomed. However, I still thought that it was worth a try and went on my little spiritual journey unbeknownst to anyone but myself.

I decided that I would try to be less materialistic. I would think about all the poor people in Haiti and be thankful for my stupid house with the shitty threadbare carpet and the light fixtures that don't fucking work. I would be happy with my 5 year old Old Navy pants that are fraying at the cuffs and my hand-me-down shirts from my friend Laura whose style is more Las Vegas than a showgirl. I would be excited about my stupid fucking job and grateful to have it.

Well, you can see where this is going. My spiritual journey consisted of a lot of soul-searching and the conclusion I came up with was: Spiritual journeys are stupid. Once I was at peace with that, I bitched to my husband about the house, I painted my toenails black and I went to a tanning salon to take the edge off my post-spiritual-journey paleness.

Now I feel much better.

In other news, I also turned my back on my solemn promise never to watch Jay Leno on the Tonight Show (because I think he's a tool for what he did to Conan O'Brien) and watched his show just to see Adam Lambert.

This is not the best picture of him from the performance, but check out that eye make-up! This totally clinches the deal for me...I am dressing up like Adam Lambert for Halloween. I am going to get some Swarovski crystals and glue those suckers right to my face. I am hoping I can talk my whole family into being Adam Lambert. Now, that would be a picture for our Christmas Card!
Speaking of Adam Lambert, could American Idol SUCK any more this season? The best part of it so far is Ellen because she is so funny, but her big ears are starting to be too much of a distraction for me.Now, don't get me wrong; I love Ellen and think she's great on Idol, but she needs to grow her hair out a little. Watch Idol next week...I bet you will be staring at Ellen's ears now.

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Well, if you know me at all, then you know that I am endlessly bitching about my job. I used to call it my SAJ (Stupid Ass Job) but I have since upgraded it to SFJ (Stupid Fucking Job). I tell people that I keep trying to get fired, but that damn work-ethic that my father instilled in me just keeps rearing it's ugly head. I can't seem to screw around enough to get in trouble. So, I am going for insubordination.
Let me backtrack just a little...if you don't know what my SFJ is I will fill you in. I work in the financial aid department at our local junior college. I do a variety of things but, as you might guess, a lot of what I do involves numbers and tax returns and loans and percentages and shit like that. Considering my prowess at anything mathematical or precise (Just ask my friend Pat how fabulously I did in Economics in college. I hate to keep bringing this up, but he actually told me I was STUPID when he was trying to tutor me. He continues to deny it, but I remember it like it was yesterday. The truth is, I wasn't being stupid, I just didn't give a crap.) you can imagine how interesting I find my job. However, I don't just look at financial aid files all day because my boss discovered that my true gift is "customer service" and problem solving. I know, I know...I said customer service. Apparently my boss didn't notice that I am surly, bitchy and hung over most of the time.
Anyway, I answer all the emails for the department and sometimes I deign to answer the phone. And, I have discovered that what I have always said is, in fact, true: People are stupid. I love it when people call up and want to get some of that "Obama money". Like Obama got elected, decided that everyone should get to go to school for free and now all you have to do is call your local financial aid office and we will just write you a check. Because these stupid idiots don't know how the government works. Welcome to junior college.
So, last week a student called up and wanted to know why we were revoking his financial aid. I did not take this call personally, my colleague did. She was patiently trying to explain to the student that you cannot receive federal aid if you don't maintain a 2.0 grade point average (which isn't that difficult in junior college. I think a monkey could maintain a 2.0 GPA at our school if they got the right classes) complete at least 67% of your classes and/or achieve your associate's degree or transfer by the time you have taken 90 credit hours. So, I could tell that this student was giving my co-worker a really bad time so I went over to her and told her to put the student on hold. She did and told me the student's problem and showed me his file, etc. I looked and saw that this student had been at our institution for a number of years. Seriously folks, it's a two-year junior college. He had been skating by with less than a 2.0 GPA for a number of semesters and my boss continued to allow him to have financial aid until he got his shit together, which the student did. However, my boss made it very clear that if the student fucked up one more time he was not to get any more aid. Well, the student did sort-of fuck up and his aid was revoked. I carefully read my boss's comments about how this kid was not to get any more aid UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!
So, I immediately restored the kid's financial aid. I totally disregarded my boss's comments and told my co-worker to tell the kid he had his financial aid back. I then wrote a note in his physical file that I was responsible for over-riding my boss and I made a note in his computer file as well. I told my co-worker to tell the little snot that I restored his aid and I assured her that I was going to take full responsibility. She tensely did so and hung up. Now, keep in mind that she is a full time employee and I am a part-time temp who works 20 hours a week, if I feel like it and I just come and go as I choose. I don't like to have set hours or a set day off...so I just let everyone know from day to day if I will be there the next day. Whatever.
So...my co-worker was pretty nervous about this whole thing so I said, "It's okay. Give me the file and I will go and tell the boss what I did."
Here is the conversation I had with my boss (who is a man, by the way):

Me: "Hey, can you move your coat off the chair so I can sit down and tell you what I just did?"
Boss: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Well, this student was on the phone and he was being a real dick..."
Boss (interrupting): "A dick? That's not really a very descriptive term."
Me: "Um...okay. How about prick?"
Boss: "Well..."
Me: "I could call him what I call my ex-husband."
Boss: "What's that?"
Me: "Asshole. Of course, that's what I call my current husband too, so..."
Boss: "You better tell me what happened before I get on your list of assholes."
Me: (Pause, during which I narrowed my eyes and looked right in my boss's eyes) "What makes you think you aren't already on it?"

Can you say INSUBORDINATION??
But, he did not fire me. He laughed like I was the most delightful thing he had ever come across. Then I followed up that exchange with the information that I had completely ignored his explicit instructions and restored this kid's aid.
Again, not enough to get fired. He actually said that he never would have even questioned it if he saw my initials on the file. Wow. I literally think I would have to come in drunk and set the place on fire to get canned.

So I have this damn job that pays well, that I do well, but makes me miserable.

The highlight of my day today was going to the gym and walking on the treadmill. All the treadmills have little flat-screen televisions attached to them. I always turn it off and stare at my reflection in the monitor. Today I had my favorite Morrissey t-shirt on
(it says "Je Suis Morrissey" on the front and on the back it says "It's Morrissey's town, we just live in it." It's just plain black with white writing and I love it. Morrissey wore the exact same t-shirt for an encore when I saw him from the front row and I knew then that I had to have one too) and I could see my face and about to the bottom of my ribcage in the monitor. I put my IPod on shuffle and started walking. The first song was Fever by Adam Lambert. It's a sassy dance song being played in gay bars all over the country. I love that song, so I was looking at myself in the monitor and mouthing the words and winking at myself. I must have looked like a fucking lunatic.
The next few songs were by The Smiths, Morrissey, Madonna, Morrissey again, Kylie Minogue and George Michael.
Deep down inside I am a gay man.
And let me just say this...if I were a gay man I would be the emo, black fingernail polish wearing, make-up loving type. Just like Adam Lambert. Because he knows what I have always been vowing is true...everyone looks better with make-up on. Give me a break. I love it when celebrity magazines have their "Stars without Make-up!" special issue. Then they put pictures of celebrities with their make-up on next to a picture of the same celebrity without make-up. The funny thing is, they usually ask the question, "Better with or without?" and they have statistics for each celebrity. Like..."67% of people think Jessica Alba looks better WITHOUT make-up than with it!"
No fucking way. Everybody looks better with makeup.
Case in point: If it weren't for a very talented make-up artist, a fortunate camera angle and an artfully done upward glance, Renee is a very, very plain Jane...and I am being generous.

In any case, maybe tomorrow I can get fired. Any suggestions?