Here is Bronte's new soccer picture. Doesn't she look great? I am glad she is such a grinner and not one of those kids who has to plaster a big smile on her face for every photo op. This way you can't see how goofy her teeth are. You know what I mean...when a kid at this age starts to get in her adult teeth, her mouth just looks weird. So, grinning is good.
Tony is the coach of Bronte's soccer team. I volunteer him to coach for everything. It started when Bronte played T-Ball in kindergarten and has just become a tradition. I decide Bronte is going to play a sport and then Tony counts the minutes before I tell him that he's coaching. He used to be pissed about it, but now he is just resigned to it. At least I know that if Tony coaches then Bronte will actually learn a sport rather than just worry about what the post-game snack is. Anyway, this year his co-coach is my good friend Gina. She has coached soccer with him before and last season they also coached softball together. The reason they coach together is to be sure that our daughters get on the same team. The problem with the two of them coaching together is that they are both ultra-competitive and this house soccer league is NOT competitive. It's one of those stupid pussy leagues in which, if your team gets up by 3 goals then you are supposed to "dial it back". That means that you should tell the girls to play with their left feet only, or put your really weak players in at the forward positions. The problem with this is, even our weakest players are so much better than some of the best players on some of the teams we play that we still wind up kicking their asses.
I have a real problem with this. I think that if a team is well coached and the kids play well they ought to be allowed to score. I'm not saying that the score should be 20-0, but if we win 5-0 who gives a shit? So, are we supposed to tell the kids, "Now don't try too hard because we don't want to hurt any one's feelings!" What a load of crap. If our team is better, well then we are just better and we should be allowed to win. We aren't even supposed to keep score, for crying out loud. So, my question is, if we aren't keeping score then how do we know when we are up by more than 3 goals? If I was the coach I would just play dumb and let the kids score as often as possible. Then when I was called on it I would say, "Well, I wasn't keeping score. I am just here for the fun of the game and the post-game snack! Who gives a flying fuck anyway seeing as everyone gets the same lame-ass trophy at the end of the season even if they SUCK!" I daresay that is why tony won't even let me help at the practices, let alone coach a game if he's out of town. He would rather forfeit. So anyway, Gina has a tendency to be a little competitive too, but she and Tony manage to keep it in check.
So I get to sit on the side-lines with Gina's husband Jason. Jason, I have to add, may be the only person I have ever met who could really challenge me in a smart-ass contest. I still think I would win, but he might come close. For example, when our kids were playing softball last season, whenever his daughter would pitch he would tell her to make sure to hit the first couple of kids with a pitch because then the rest of the batters would be scared.
That's Jason. He does coach his son's football team. He is the kind of dad who videos the game and watches it with his kid afterwards to critique his performance. Too bad you can't see his whole head in this picture because he is bald and we all know how much I like bald guys. Even my kids will point out the hot bald guys to me when we are out. I think it all started when I saw The King and I.
Yul Brynner was the hottest thing I ever saw. Other hot bald guys, Bruce Willis.
He just oozes sexiness. I also like Ralph Fiennes. 
He isn't always bald in his movies, but he should be. Stanley Tucci.
Rumor has it that he is gay, but if there's one thing I like more than bald guys it's gay guys. We all know that. Adam Lambert, case in point. (I will take any opportunity to gaze upon Adam Lambert.) 
So imagine the appeal of a BALD gay guy! Yummy.Back to Jason. In this stupid pussy soccer league where we aren't supposed to win, a lot of the coaches wives make scrunchies for the kids on the team. If you aren't familiar with scrunchies let me tell you about them. You start with a regular ponytail holder.
Then you find a bunch of ribbons the same color as your jersey and other decorative ribbons with soccer balls or whatever. You cut the ribbons about 3 inches long and tie them all over the ponytail holder and voilà! A scrunchie. As you can imagine, the idea of team scrunchies goes against everything I think team sports are about. Needless to say, Jason the smart-ass has been all over my case to make team scrunchies since Gina and Tony started coaching 3 teams ago. Every time one of the girls gets a foul in a game he mutters, "Well, if they had those matching scrunchies..." He reminded me how much better our team photo would have looked if the girls had their team scrunchies. Jason loves to remind me that as the coaches wife it is my job to make the scrunchies. I love to remind him that he is a coaches WIFE too so he should make the idiotic scrunchies. He then points out that I am the HEAD coaches wife so scrunchies are clearly my job. It has gotten to the point where whenever we play a team with matching scrunchies I just roll my eyes and wait for Jason to say something about the fact that we don't have any mother-fucking scrunchies.I swear I am going to make those stupid scrunchies. And I am going to find the sparkliest ribbons I can. I told him once that I was going to make them and I was going to be sure to make one for Gina too and I expected to see her wearing it for every game. His response? "Make her two so she can have pigtails. It'll go perfect with her school-girl outfit." Smart-ass. When I do make them I am going to make one really big one he can wear around his head. And he will, my friend. Yes he will. I would just make him an honorary scrunchie for his rear-view mirror, but I shudder to think where he might wear it one night after a couple of drinks.
For all the crap Jason gives me about scrunchies, you still have to love the guy. After all, he did make me a CD called "White Trash Anthems". My favorite song on that CD is My Wife Left Me For Jesus.
One afternoon I went to a local bar for a glass of wine with a friend while our kids were in dance class. Oh, who am I kidding? That dance class is an hour long...we really planned on having 3 glasses of wine. So, we walked into the bar and sat down. I looked around after slamming my first glass of wine and who was sitting at the bar but Jason! But he wasn't alone. OH NO! He was with a woman, and that woman wasn't Gina. So, I watched him just to see what was going to happen. I didn't really think that Jason was stupid enough to cheat on Gina (because she's a babe with a rockin' body) or that if he did cheat on her he would be in a crowded bar IN TOWN. But, hope springs eternal and I thought I would watch for a few minutes to see if he touched her inappropriately or something. I figured if I caught him even flirting with another woman I could use it to get him off my back about the fucking scrunchies. Plus, he and Gina seem to have such a great marriage I was pretty much looking for the chink in that marriage armour. Maybe they were swingers and he was trolling for a new couple for some swapping. I didn't know, but after i slammed my second glass of wine, I decided to go over and say hello. Well, OF COURSE it was his business partner and OF COURSE he introduced me and there wasn't anything unseemly about it. Actually, after I was introduced to her she reminded me that we had met before at their house. Oh well. So much for my blackmail material.
Seriously, though. Jason may be a smart-ass. Jason may be competitive. Jason may be like a dog with a bone when it comes to the scrunchies. (Which he will receive wrapped around a brick through his car window.) But he is also a really great dad. His kids are unfailingly polite and nice and loyal and gorgeous. (Jason would probably remind me to throw in "gifted" at this point.) He is a very devoted husband. When Gina was turning a particular age, her mother wanted to throw her a surprise party. Jason, on the other hand, knew that she did not want a party so he refused to help. Sure, some might say that was just a convenient excuse to get out of helping, but I CHOSE to see it as loyalty because I like to see the good in everyone.
I do have a favorite Jason story. Get a Kleenex.
When my dad died we had his memorial service over Spring Break. I knew Gina and the kids were not going to be in town and I just assumed that Jason was going to be with them. Gina expressed her regret that she would not be able to be at my father's memorial service and I said I completely understood. Then I concentrated on the service and my mother and all the other things that went with orchestrating the entire thing. Brenna sang at the service and Bronte did a reading and I did the eulogy. It was a beautiful service and afterward my family and I greeted people as they left the sanctuary and went to the other room for a light lunch. All of a sudden Jason came up to me and gave me a hug. I was so surprised to see him because I thought they were all out of town. Well, for whatever reason he had to stay behind and so he came to the service. Not only did was I touched that he made the effort to find out when the service was and show, but I was very moved by the fact that my family was important enough to him to come. He wrote Bronte a beautiful little note during the service and gave it to her afterward and later called my cell phone and left me a message about how impressed he was by the Phipps girls that day and how beautifully the memorial was pulled off and what a tribute it was to my father.
I saved that message until I recently replaced my cell phone. I used to listen to it when I missed my dad or I was feeling down and friendless. His presence and that message meant so much to me. I'll bet he has no idea.
Plus, the man bought me a fabulous t-shirt at the Spinal Tap concert. That's two thumbs up for Jason. First, he knows and appreciates Spinal Tap and second (and more importantly) he bought me something.
