I'm back and I've been to church

In general, I am not a big fan of mega-churches. I don't really have a very good reason, except that I really like the feeling of a small church community. Plus, I just think that if you have to get to church an hour before the service so that you can park and get a good seat well....that's just like going to a sporting event, not worship. I always think that when I walk in the door someone is going to hand me a glass of Grape Kool-Aid and slap a Kabbalah bracelet on my wrist. Whenever I think of mega-churches I think of Scientology. Scientology makes me think of Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise practicing Scientology makes me think of arrogant, couch jumping assholery. (That's a new word I just made up. It's a combination of tom-foolery and asshole. I think it's fabulous.) Tom Cruise makes my skin crawl. Plus, I hate his teeth. And his nose. He's just smarmy. Just look at what he did to Katie Holmes! Here is Katie Holmes pre-Tom Cruise:

She's so cute and happy!
Here is Katie Holmes post Tom Crazy-ass Cruise:
She looks sad and afraid.
Their kid doesn't look much happier: I don't know...but Nicole Kidman sure looks better post-Tom.

Anyway, back to the mega church. I went with Brenna to the local mega-church in the Chicago area, which is Willow Creek. According to one of their press-releases, the weekend church services are attended by an average of 24,000 people. It's a huge "campus". I guess that is one of the reasons why I think I don't like mega-churches...if they are serving 24,000 people in one weekend, how can it be a community of God? Isn't it really like a show? When your pastor is a virtual celebrity then how do you connect with him?

In any case, Brenna and I went because Kate from the TV show John and Kate Plus 8 was going to be there as part of their Saturday night "church" service. We got to the church about 45 minutes before the service and we were lovingly guided to a parking spot by one of the many orange-suited parking "worship volunteers". The nice thing about trying to park at a very crowded church is that everyone is so nice. No honking or middle finger salutes here! Nope, everyone just follows the leader and goes where they are supposed to. This is an aerial view of Willow Creek Church. It's huge. See those ponds in the back? They literally do mass baptisms in those ponds. I can't imagine it's incredibly meaningful, but who am I to judge? Then we went in the church and tried to decide which level of the sanctuary we wanted to enter. You see, there are three levels and there are escalators to each level. But not just one escalator...no! There are 4 escalators. True. All around me I saw people on their cell phones trying to locate their friends so they could sit together. The crowd was unbelievable. The plan was that Brenna and I were supposed to meet our friends by the escalators on the first floor. However, after waiting for 10 minutes and trying to call my friend (The cell phone reception in Willow Creek sucks. I tried praying that I would see my friends, but that didn't work. I guess the 8,000 other people in the lobby made that a little difficult.) I decided to take the escalator up and see if I could see her from above. Once I got up there I realized there were other sets of escalators from the other side. I finally found one of my friends loitering by the coffee shop on the first floor. (Seriously.)

Once we finally got in the sanctuary (And I use that term loosely because it looks more like a huge auditorium. There isn't a cross or an eternal flame or any other indication that this is a church.) I looked around and thought, "This is so not working for me." This is the actual sanctuary. I would love to see The Foo Fighters here. The seats are all good and the sound is incredible. It would totally KICK ASS! Oops! Sorry. Blasphemous. Back to the service...Then, the band came out and told everyone to stand. Now, usually I hate that praise band crap where everyone raises their hands and sings and looks all enraptured. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I can't help but feel that they're faking it. I mean, who really feels full of the love of Jesus when they do that? If everyone experiences Christ in their own way, then how come everyone strikes the same pose when they hear praise music? Smacks of fakery to me but, again...who am I to judge? (Not that it keeps me from judging.) However, this band was really, really good. AND they projected all the words on the two big screens for those of us in the nose-bleed seats. I'm telling you, it was like a concert. The band played songs I knew so I sang and my very talented friend sang harmony next to me. It was awesome. I will go back for the music alone. Check out the big screens. Once the band was done they brought out Kate from that show. I've never actually SEEN the show, but I knew enough about it to be mildly interested. However, I was less than impressed with her. Sure, she had 6 babies at one time. Whatever. Yep, it's tough. I'm sure. But, when she was witnessing (so to speak) about some of the "miracles" that she encountered throughout the whole thing I just wasn't "feelin' it". Either she had gotten 15 Botox injections backstage which rendered her face almost immobile or she is just emotionless.
Luckily, the service ended with the band again, so I left happy.
Until we tried to find a bathroom. I'm telling you, the people at Willow Creek must never have to pee. Brenna and I had to go down to the lobby, through some big room full of tables with signs to indicate which groups were meeting where and through a cafeteria the size of the food court at the mall. Actually, it was much nicer than the food court at the mall.

In other news, I wonder if Sarah Palin would have brought her own stripper pole to Washington D.C. had she gotten elected, or if our tax dollars would have paid for it.

There goes Sarah Palin, classy as ever, to some shindig recently in Washington D.C. Perhaps she's lobbying for a position on the National "Cougar" Board. The guy behind her must be wondering how many more people are going to yell, "Hey baby! We'll be back for you later!" out of their car windows. I tell you, now that Palin is not making a laughing stock of the Republican party, she is still an endless source of amusement to me.

Just in case you thought the hooker boots were a one-time fashion risk...see her above on the campaign trail holding her baby to appeal to all the hockey moms and wearing the Pretty Woman boots to appeal to all the men. Look at the woman in the brown sweater. She's looking right at the boots and thinking, "What the...I don't want this whore representing my country! I'm voting Obama!" The boots and baby look alienated many a woman voter, I betcha! Patent leather boots belong on Barbies, 7 year olds and hookers.

Also, I thought I would just mention that my mother is back home and doing pretty darn well for a bald 78 almost 79 year old. I took her to her second chemo this past Monday and she is really proving to be much stronger than I thought she would be. Yippee Mom!! I miss having her stay in my house and I worry about her constantly, but she is stronger than cancer and she is going to make it through 4 more months of chemo just fine! (That's bravado, but just humor me.) However, she keeps letting the "music therapist" some in while she is having chemo and that freaks me out...but that is a story for another time...

Last but not least...JIM'S COMING!!! I know he's going to be fabulous in person. I am looking forward to many photo ops while he is here.

Oh! And I'm going to see Morrissey on April 4th. Whatever shall I wear???

Ever so Sorry

Sorry I haven't been around. My mom is having some health issues resulting in major surgery tomorrow. I will be back. I have to tell you about my fabulous trip to Florida!

Are we outside again?

How cute is Bronte's official soccer picture???

Bronte played in a soccer tournament today. It was a lovely day for a soccer tourney...50 degrees, gray, drizzly. The kids were fine but I was miserable. I hate being cold. I was in my chair, wrapped up in my blanket, thanking God that only one of my children is athletic. Brenna is like me, she only likes to do outdoor things in ideal weather.

I hope that someday Brenna finds someone who is independently wealthy to take care of her as she is not equipped what-so-ever to deal with adversity. Good thing she is smart, pretty and talented. She also has this sweet, unassuming way about her that people are just attracted to. No doubt she will do well in her dating career.

So, back to the soccer tournament. Bronte plays in something called the soccer "Academy". It's for kids who are too young to play on the hard-core travel teams but still are hard-core and don't want to just be on a soccer team for the cool shirt and the end of the year pizza party. Bronte LOVES soccer. She particularly loves playing defense because it's a good excuse to throw an elbow or two or to trip a kid under the guise of trying to get the ball. The kid is aggressive. Push her and she will push right back, no matter how big the opponent.

Brenna and Bronte couldn't be more different.

Brenna takes ballet. Bronte takes hip-hop.
Brenna's favorite movie is Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Bronte's favorite movie is Iron Man.
Brenna is afraid of all bugs, even butterflies. Bronte likes to carry Cicadas around and would like to keep one in her room.
Brenna is very polite and soft-spoken. Bronte's two favorite phrases are, "That sucks!" and "Holy Crap!"

I love my kids. I love that they are so different. When I was pregnant with Bronte I prayed to have a boy because I didn't think I could ever love another daughter as much as I love Brenna. Well, God had different plans. He gave me another daughter but made her so dissimilar to her sister that I love her with the same intensity for completely different reasons. It's funny how I can see myself in both of my girls even though they aren't that much alike. Bronte loves to write, for Brenna it is a chore. Brenna loves to sing and is good at it, Bronte....not so much. Bronte likes to know what everyone is talking about but Brenna only cares if it directly pertains to her. Brenna loves to read and can get lost in a book for hours but Bronte has to be TOLD to read.
Of all the things that I have accomplished in my life, my girls are the thing I am most proud of. I always used to think that I was too selfish to be a parent. When I was in college I couldn't fathom spending my money on anything but shoes for ME, ME, ME!!! Now I work so that my kids can play travel soccer and take 5 dance classes a week and have fabulous birthday parties. I realized the other day that I spend more on piano lessons for my kids than I did on my last pair of jeans. Not only that, I haven't had a new pair of jeans in two years or more.
Oh well, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm bringing sexy back

I just want everyone to know that THIS is what I look like when I am just lounging around the house. I wear my robe, my fabulous Betsey Johnson shoes (those bitches are HOT) and my tiara. How about those shoes? They are suede and they are fabulous! I never would have spent money on something so incredibly frivolous, but I got them from my fairy Godfather...I don't know how he knew I needed them, but he did.

Last week was (as usual) an extremely busy one. I had to go to my stupid ass job and come home and make dinner and get kids to their various activities. I haven't had a minute to do anything I want to do; read the paper, go to the gym, eat a meal while sitting at the table...you know. Friday was the one day I was looking forward to because my husband and I had tickets to go see k.d. lang and I LOVE her. However, my Friday schedule looked like this:

6:30 a.m. Get up and get ready for work. Kiss my kids goodbye before school.

8:00 a.m. Get my can of soup and go to work.

1:00 p.m. Leave work and go home to make dinner and put it in the Crock Pot so it would be ready for my kids and my parents who were coming in to baby sit so I could go to the concert.

2:00 Pick up Brenna and her friend from school and take Brenna to piano lessons, take her friend home, go to pick up Bronte from school, get her to piano lessons and write a check to the piano teacher for lessons.

4:00 p.m. Get home and get dressed for the concert.

4:30 p.m. Leave home and get to my mother-in-law's friend's house for the limo to take us into Chicago for the concert.

However, when I was leaving the house to go get Brenna and her friend I saw that I had a package waiting outside my front door. It was addressed to me from my friend Jim in California. I grabbed it and got in the car to go to the Jr. High to get Brenna. When I got to the school I opened the package and inside were THE SHOES. More importantly, there was a note from my friend Jim. He told me that the shoes were beautiful and that he had also enclosed some other fun things, including the tiara. You see, on his blog he has a picture of himself in a tiara:
When I saw this photo on his blog I told him that if I had a tiara I would wear it everywhere, even to the grocery store. SOOOOO, in my package there were THE SHOES and my very own tiara. He told me that he expected to see some very amusing photos of me wearing it very soon.

So here I am getting out of the limo wearing my tiara. Nothing says "of course I took a limo to a k.d. lang concert" like a tiara. Between that and my vintage mohair coat I felt like a princess. (I am not the queen though. Jim is. Look at how he wears his tiara at a jaunty angle. Only a queen can get away with that!)
In any case, I wore that tiara all weekend. I love it. I will share more pics of the tiara later...but if you ever get the chance, get a really heavy tiara and wear it as much as you can. It makes everything better.
Now, here is the thing about Jim. I have never met him. All he knows for sure about me is that I wear size 8 shoes. He reads my blog and I read his. We swap emails and we know stuff about each other...but he has never even heard my voice! But that package on Friday from my fairy Godfather made my day, my week, my year! Because I struggle (as most women do) with my body image, he once told me that I should watch Carson Kressly's show "How To Look Good Naked". Well, let me tell you, Carson has NOTHING on Jim. That box with the shoes and the tiara made me feel like more than just someones mom, or a financial aid specialist, or an ordinary suburban dweller. That box made me feel like a princess.
If I didn't express it before...Thank you, Jim. You are a man among men. I can't wait to show you how fabulous those shoes look on me. IN PERSON!!
Incidentally, the funny thing about the picture at the top where I am wearing my robe and tiara and SHOES...Brenna took it. Tony was watching the Bears vs. Vikings game.

Pretty Vacant

Things that I hate about Sarah Palin:


1. When she was being interviewed by Charles Gibson she kept calling him "Charlie" in her nasal-y annoying accent. Hello! He doesn't go by the name Charlie when he is doing a serious interview. Did she blow him backstage or something which made her feel as though she had the right to use his informal name? I think it pissed him off too because he kept asking her harder and harder questions and asking her to clarify what the fuck she was talking about. At one point he asked her a question twice because he said when she answered it the first time he got "lost in a blizzard of words". She's such an idiot...if she wants the press to be nice to her I see a LOT of gratuitous blow jobs in her future.

2. I hate her glasses. If she were a real hands-on mom to a 5 month old, she would NEVER be able to wear those glasses because her kid would rip them off and destroy them in 2 seconds. Also, as my friend Vicky pointed out, there is no discernible prescription in those glasses. So, she wears them to look smarter...? Too bad they can't actually MAKE her smarter. She's an idiot.

3. What's with that hair bubble on the top of her head? It looks like a tumor. Is she trying to look taller? If she were smarter then she could say that she just has a huge head full of brains, but she's not smart. She's an idiot.

4. Sarah? Ummm...being able to see Russia from your back porch does not make you an expert on foreign policy. Going to the UN for a day of cramming does not make you ready for the Katie Couric interview. You told Charles "Charlie" Gibson that you were a Washington outsider, right? Let me tell you why....You're an IDIOT!

5. In the Katie Couric interview Sarah Palin said about a dozen times that her answer to our economic crisis was to "shore up" the economy. What the fuck does that mean? Well, when Katie tried to get her to expound on that, Palin said that we are in "crisis mode here". Okay. Got it. So what's the answer? Apparently we just need to "shore up". Her PR guy really drove that point home. She also insinuated that people are losing their houses because they were "irresponsible". Really? Ummm....she's an idiot.

I can't wait to see the vice presidential debate. Maybe I will take a drink every time she says "shore up" or "crisis mode". Nah, I have to work on Friday and I really don't want to have a hangover.
In the end here are a few more things I think...
Charlie Gibson is smarter than Sarah Palin.
Katie Couric is smarter than Sarah Palin.
Tina Fey is smarter than Sarah Palin. (So is Amy Poehler)

I can't believe we (as Americans) are even tempted to vote for a ticket with this woman on it. I have been accused of being anti-woman because I don't back her. Well, I am pro-woman. That is why I am NOT voting for Palin who thinks abortion should be illegal even in the case of rape or incest. I am pro-woman because I won't vote for a woman (who, according to some people, represent women all over America) who is going to be more of a laughing stock as a VP than Dan Quayle was. I am pro-woman because I don't back a woman who thinks God sanctions the war in Iraq.
Also, what's up with her kid's names? Track? Trig? C'mon.

Some non-news

Wow. Clay Aiken is gay? What a shock. I can't believe that is on the cover of People magazine. I could care less. I would rather have some really shocking news...for example: If People magazine broke the news that Sarah Palin is gay I would be surprised. What's next? Are they going to get Ricky Martin to pose on the cover with his new baby and proclaim that he is gay? (I'm sure he is.)

Wait! Is that a photo of Clay Aiken or Lindsey Lohan?

In any case, Clay Aiken just became a father. He artificially inseminated a 50 year old woman who is his BFF. (Well, I don't think he PERSONALLY artificially inseminated her.) So, not only does People magazine get to bore us with the details of his "coming out of the closet", but we get to read about how he LOVES changing diapers and how fatherhood changed his life, etc. just like every other celebrity who becomes a parent. Whatever.

Cows, cars and corn dogs!

There's nothing like a good old county fair on Labor Day. We go to the same one every single year: The Walworth County Fair in Wisconsin. It is a family tradition. This year we invited another family to join us and, honest to God, I don't think they had ever been to a county fair before. I say this because when I discovered that I had forgotten my stupid digital camera (which, it turns out, I didn't. It is just so frickin' small I couldn't find it in my backpack.) they offered to take all the pictures we would ever need. Well, they took 478 pictures. It took me 2 hours just to look at them on Shutterfly. Luckily for you, I picked out the best ones and (after obtaining permission from my friends to post photos of them on my blog) here they are:

This is the whole group, except my friend's husband. Obviously, he was taking the picture. I would like to point out to Jim that my husband is not wearing anything tie-dyed but that the tie-dye culture is represented as Crystal and her daughter Emily are both wearing it. So, just in case you don't know who everyone is, from left to right: me, Brenna, Bronte, Sarah (my friend's older daughter), Crystal (my friend), Emily (Crystal's younger daughter) and in the back is my dear Tony. I don't know what the hell he is doing with his hands but since there was no beer to be had at the fair at least we know he wasn't being drunk and stupid.

Now, here is a sign you don't see on every dumpster...
Bronte wanted to touch every single animal she saw. Brenna didn't want to touch ANY animal she saw. I think Brenna walked around with her mini hand sanitizer bottle in her hands. We kept trying to get her to touch something just so we could get a photo of her touching anything besides the Purell. I'm not sure if she ever did touch an animal and I am NOT going to go back and look at all 478 of the fucking pictures to be sure.
Looky! Even I touched a sheep. All I can think of when I look at this photo is, "Wow. I really need a new bra."
Brenna felt completely vindicated when she saw this sign. Ironically, it was posted in the bunny exhibition, which are probably the only animal she would have considered touching. Bronte touched all the bunnies anyway. She didn't give a shit what the sign said.
Ah...the farm vehicle display. Here are Emily (the driver) and Sarah (the poser) checking out the...well, I don't know what they are called...the big red thingy with the scooper. Aren't they cute?
Here is how my kids posed for their photo op. It's just no fun unless someone pretends to be road-kill. Aren't they precious?
Yippeee! We found the John Deere equipment!
Here is the only picture of Glenn, Crystal's husband. He is the most conspicuous consumer I ever met. He must be a joy to shop with...the most fabulous impulse buyer ever. No matter what the display was, by the time we walked up to it he was convinced he needed to buy one. At the boat display he talked about how much he wanted a boat. ATVs? Yep, he wanted one of those. Hot tubs? Gotta have one of those! Tractor? What do you suppose the gas mileage is on this baby? Look at him checking out the cab of this thing. He's seriously considering it.
Seriously, if the camera was out, our kids were posing. I have never seen 4 girls more thrilled to have their picture taken. I imagine that only Jim has more fun posing than Brenna, Bronte, Sarah and Emily.
Don't they look like the Go-Go's in the Vacation video? (You know the one where they are all water-skiing and singing "Vacation, all I ever wanted. Vacation, got to get away!" Am I dating myself? Who remembers that video?)
Here I am doing my Lindsey Lohan impression and kissing my girlfriend. I was having a great hair day. That almost makes up for the crappy bra I wore.
Yummy! Deep fried fair food! I had an egg roll. (Actually, by the end of the day I had 3 egg rolls. They were only a dollar.) Look at the happy fair lady in the booth behind me. Doesn't she just look happy to see me eat? She's probably drunk. I would be if I had to sell food at a fair.
What's the fair without a corn dog?
Or a foot-long corn dog?
This is my favorite part of the fair; The Demolition Derby. It fulfills all my fantasies about ramming my car into every asshole on the road. Glenn was incredibly impressed by the demo derby and took about 100 pictures of it. I told you, they've never been to a fair before.
Yes, we hit the midway. The kids went on every ride except for the giant drop. Bronte was the only one who wanted to go on it and she wasn't tall enough, which totally pissed her off.
Look at how mad Bronte looks. That's because she isn't winning the race. However, Brenna is a notorious cheater so I am sure she pushed off a little before Bronte and Sarah did.

No, Tony isn't pointing at my horrible bra. He is pointing at my Obama button.
This is one of my favorite pictures of Tony. EVER. He is wearing Sarah's sunglasses and just looks so metrosexual. I don't know what prompted this pose. Maybe he was inspired by all the poses the girls had struck during the day.
Sarah and Bronte were the only brave ones who went on this ride. They are pretending to be scared here, but during the course of the ride I think they were actually scared.
Check out the portrait painted on the backdrop for this ride. What the hell...?
Here is a spinny ride that Emily (wisely) refused to go on. Isn't it cute how her shirt matches the ride? One of the carnies told me how they break down and transport all the rides. Let me tell you, it didn't make me feel very good that the drunk carnies can break down one of these spinny things in about an hour.
Bronte started to get a little pissy because she wanted to go on the Giant Drop but wasn't tall enough, so Glenn decided that the girls just needed to play a carnival game and then everything would be better. Either that or he just wanted to throw away $12. So, he picked the "shoot the target with the water gun and make the spinning pedestal with Scooby Doo on it rise to the top first" game. It was a sure thing because our kids were the only ones playing. The funny part was, the barker who was running the game was the only overtly gay carnie I have ever seen. It was like Carson Kressley was running it.
Happily, Bronte won the $12 Scooby Doo. I have to say, in Glenn's defense, it was money well spent. Bronte loves the pink Scooby and sleeps with it every night.
Look, city girls! Corn!
Bronte put a handful of corn down Emily's shirt. I love the reactions!
Ahh!! The big blow up cow. Only in Wisconsin! I think their state motto is "Come and smell our dairy-air!" (Say it out loud. It's funny.)
One of the highlights of the fair are the pig races. Crystal laughed her ass off. Pigs run really fast.
Did I tell you these kids are posers?
Pigs are cute. Or as Bronte wrote in her first grade journal when the teacher told the kids to write about cute little piggies because they had just watched the movie Charlotte's Web, "I love pigs. Pigs are yummy. Bacon comes from pigs. Yummm..." No sentimentality there.
This is where we went right after the pig races. I think we ate last year's athletes.

This was the most vomit inducing ride at the fair. Emily did not go on it. I don't blame her. Bronte and Sarah could not wait to get on it. Brenna needed convincing.
After the kids were strapped in, the floor drops out and the ride spins and swings back and forth. I wanted to barf just looking at it. I think Bronte and Sarah went on it 5 times.

Scary!

Emily (obviously) wasn't really keen about going on this ride either.
But they all ended up loving it.

It was a great day. We ate a bunch of delicious carnival food. We saw the demolition derby. No body puked. All in all, a tremendous success!!